This is my last column. Why you ask? Because I have just won $10 million from Publisher’s Clearing House, and if you poor saps think I’m going to sit on my patootey, week after week, and write columns about grits and Moon Pies, well you obviously don’t know JACK about being a millionaire.
After all, as a newly minted millionaire, I’ve got lots to do. Let’s see here. First I need to find a girlfriend with the IQ of a tater tot, but to do that I probably need to buy a car smaller than a Gucci loafer. And that reminds me, I need to get some of those, too. But I’ve got to be careful. $10 million doesn’t go as far as it used to. After taxes, sheesh, I’ll only have $5 million or so.
The New York lottery was at $43 million a few months ago, which just goes to show you how much more expensive it is to live up here. But that’s okay, there are lots activities here in New York that I couldn’t afford before I won a whopping ten million smackers, i.e., like eating dinner at a New York restaurant.
Now, I will admit that the cheque hasn’t actually cleared at my bank yet. Right now I only have my “Final Winner Identification Papers” and “Winner ID Superprize Card.” But, I mean, it’s all very official looking, with highlighted parts and super-authentic handwriting from some guy named “David S..” Looks like it’s in the bag, so all you other contest winners will just have to suffer.
But it wasn’t easy getting here. Why, just two weeks ago, I was on “final standby alert.” Boy, was that depressing. But I persevered and spent 18 hours putting all my coded stamps and stickers in the right places.
Publisher’s Clearing House is definitely very fond of stamps and stickers. I had to “affix the IDENTIFICATION LABEL” to my “winners confirmation form.” Then I had to “affix the FINAL STANDBY ALERT SEAL” to my reply envelope. And don’t forget the “President’s coding status” sticker and the four order stamps.
To ensure that I got on their good side, I went ahead and ordered a few magazines: “McCall’s,” “Yankee Home,” “Vegetarian Times,” “Craftworks,” and “Extra Income.” I also ordered the Fuller (I kid you not) “Big Wally Wall and Ceiling Brush” and Merle Haggard’s 24 greatest hits compact disk for four payments of only $2.49 each. Boy was it hard to decide. Good thing the Franklin Mint wasn’t a part of this deal, or I’d really be in trouble. Between butterfly flower magnets , the die cast, 1/16th scale, hand painted, oak mounted, ‘57 Chevrolet Corvette Convertible (with removable floor mats), the Civil War Chess set, Princess Diana miniature porcelain doll, and the missing books of the Apocrypha, I’d be broke.
When I collect that ten million clams from the Prize Patrol, maybe I’ll do some more ordering . . . oh wait a minute . . . what’s this? . . . “not necessarily a winner.”
Drat. Those nimrods. I guess I won’t give up my day job quite yet. I wonder if I can cancel my subscription to “Alabama Hog Farmer?”
—Morgan Murphy