Back in April I wrote that NASA had invented velcro along with Tang and the zero-gravity toilet. It seems I also said that these amazing technological leaps would soon become a part of new tennis shoe by Nike.
I admit it: I lied. I made that stuff up. The tang-toilet tennis shoe is actually a Reebok.
Unfortunately, the velcro people didn’t think my joke about their registered, trademarked, and patented product was very funny.
As it turns out, velcro was not invented by NASA. It was invented by a French person named George de Mestral who went on a hike in the 1940s and found a giant ball of plastic hook and loop fasteners which he then rolled back into town and started applying to the shoes of little French boys and girls.
Apparently, George’s lawyers are very mad at me for attributing velcro to NASA and they wrote me a letter that cleared up some common myths about velcro:
1. “Velcro” should be in all capitol letters, followed by the symbol “®.” Whenever possible the word “brand” should also follow “VELCRO®.”
2. Instead of using the word “Velcro,” try “hook and loop fastener” or “loop tape” or even “hook and loop tape.”
3. Persons with curly hair should never run with VECLRO® brand fasteners.
4. The VELCRO® trademark should never be used to describe some other fastener like ZIPPER® or BUTTON® or PIECE OF STRING®.
5. There is no such thing as a “velcro wallet.” Instead call it “a wallet made with VELCRO® brand hook and loop fasteners,” or for short, “NERDY®”
You see, trademarks are valuable. And when an irresponsible member of the media (read: me) misuses a trademark, that’s bad.
The VELCRO® Brand Fastening Systems Company (catchy, isn’t it?) is worried that my column could set off some sort of national slang trend and the trademark VELCRO® might become part of the common vernacular like “escalator,” “thermos,” “cellophane,” “nylon” or “Bob.” You write one lousy column about KLEENEX® and you’re branded a de-brander for life.
Sheesh.
So just in case that happens, the lawyers at Velcro USA Inc. have also trademarked other expressions that might come in handy should VELCRO® become too common. A few examples (and I am not making these up): HI MEG®, POP IN®, STICKY BACK®, TOUCH ‘N HOLD®, UP THE WALL®, WRAP A STRAP®, VELSTUD®, TOUCH AND CLOSE®, and ULTRA MATE®.
I dare not ask what sort of products those trademarks are meant to describe. Sounds to me like the VELCRO® Brand Fastening Systems Company is getting a little too kinky for their own good.
Meanwhile, I’ve learned an important lesson. First, don’t mess with the VELCRO® people. Second, words are money, and smart columnists learn how to use them to their benefit. Third, the ULTRA-MATE® is not yet in production, but Uma Thurmond is being considered for the role.
SO© with that in mind, until NEXT WEEK™, I’m your roving NEW YORK® Brand reporter, MORGAN MURPHY®.
