Every four years we Americans inaugurate our President. Despite whether you voted for the guy or not, it’s a pretty swell event.
But despite the fact that I got chill bumps when the Marine Corps Band played Hail to the Chief, despite the fact that the capitol was white and glorious, despite the fact that Hillary’s dress wasn’t half bad--I think we do this inauguration stuff all wrong.
Instead of inaugurating a President, I think we should inebriate one. After all, we Americans treat our elected officials poorly . Very poorly. Without respect or admiration. I was embarrassed that after the President was sworn in, half the mall got up and walked off so that they could get good seats on the parade route. The noise was so loud, I couldn’t hear the final poem, the National Anthem, or the closing prayer. Witnesses to this historic event acted tacky, shameless, and downright rude. So should we patriotic Americans, the ones who believe in the power of democracy, the ones who respect the Office of the President if not the man himself, give up and join the naysayers? Think what would happen if we did:
Instead of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court swearing the Prez in, we could have him cuss him out, “Bob, you’re a stinking no-good liar. I don’t want you to be President. In fact, I’d like to be President. Go back #@%* Arkansas, bubba.”
I’ve written a new Oath of Office for these cynical times:
“I, [insert the idiot who wants to hold this stinking job], do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, unless of course, it looks like someone else might hold the position, and in that case I’ll break a few laws, but only a few. I’m sure everyone will understand. But other than that, I will to the best of my ability (now understand here that I am of limited ability because only a fool would want to take this job) preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States--unless, and this goes really without saying, the Constitution happens to get in the way of my constitution. Frankly my stomach can’t handle, oh, things like media inquires into my personal finances, questions of adultery, et cetera. So if my constitution starts to feel sick, I’ll just chuck the Constitution out the window, so help me God.”
Besides, an inebriated President would probably make more sense than a sober one anyway. At least the speech might be more entertaining:
“My fellow Asmericans. It ish fith great pleashure thats I am here today. Four scores and seven passes ago, we lifted our eyes towards the next century. Let’s lift a beer to the last one. We have endured turmoil and triumphs. My wives and I have endured much, brought much to bears, and even fed a few elephants. I ash you, what could be more noble?
From the wellspring of human emotion comes all good things. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of my cute Secretary of State. She may not look like much, but the Speaker of the House said she was a hot little mama.
And with that, my fellows and fellettes, let us not . . . oh shoot, why not. Go ahead with whatever it was that you were gonna do before I was gonna tell you not to. Whatever. This is the land of the free and home of the $100 million contract to dribble a basketball. And I’m only getting about $200 grand to deal with all your petty stuff anyway.
So to conclude, is this a dagger I see before me? To be or not to be? Sixteen senators on a dead-man’s chest. Yo-ho-ho. And ask not what I can do for you, but what Michael Jordan can do for you--he’s got more money than the government anyway.
Amen. God Bless ush, one and all.”
