Back when I was a civilian, and hadn’t done any reporting for the media, I read about other people in the newspaper and thought wow! How did they get to be so special?
But now that I’ve worked for The New York Post, Harper’s BAZAAR, and Vanity Fair, I know that a good reporter can make even the most mundane person seem vaguely interesting–take the Vice President for instance– or shoot, take me. I had a fairly boring day, but written in tabloid-journal style, here’s what it might sound like:
FORMER ALABAMIAN FRUSTRATED BY NEW YORKERS, IMPALES SELF WITH TOOTHBRUSH
Manhattan, NY. Surrounded by thousands of irritated New Yorkers, Alabama native Morgan Murphy got stuck in the subway doors today as he commuted to work on the Lexington Avenue IRT line. Later, he jabbed his cheek with a toothbrush in a routine cleaning he performs twice a day.
Mr. Murphy, though not physically injured, was visibly shaken as he entered the lobby of his office at Vanity Fair magazine where he is a freelancer in editorial. “Flim-flam friction’ frackus,” he muttered, apparently to no one in particular.
Eyewitnesses at the subway described the throngs of people as normal and “nothing to get upset about.” No one seemed to notice Murphy’s toothbrush injury. George N. Competent, director of the Metropolitan Transportation Association speculated that, “He [Murphy] might have bumped into a band of teenagers from New Jersey. I hate it when that happens. Anyway, when the doors shut on you, they bounce back open. It doesn’t hurt. It just makes you look stupid.”
Morgan Murphy came to New York two years ago and has since gone through four girlfriends, two apartments, three roommates, one dog, and five churches. Although most people describe him as incredibly good-looking, to people with unimpaired vision his hair is beginning to thin a little. When asked about how the thinning of his hair might affect Mr. Murphy, Joey D’Alanzio, a sanitation worker from the Bronx said, “How the $*%@ should I know?”
Prominent Columbia Presbyterian Hospital Psychiatric Unit Head, Dr. Aurora Borealis, attempted to describe Mr. Murphy’s current mental state in a press conference at the hospital this morning, “The loss of one’s hair can be particularly traumatic, especially if the subject is in denial of the separation process, as is clearly the case with Mr. Murphy. This may have profound implications when it comes to Mr. Murphy’s sense of self and entitlement. This could account for why he so violently stabbed himself with his toothbrush.”
Mr. Murphy responded to Dr. Borealis’s theory this afternoon, “Humph. The toothbrush thing was an accident. I do not have a death wish. If that was the case, I would have tried to hang myself with the floss, ha, ha.”
Several representatives from the Floss Manufacturers of America quickly came forward to circulate a report that although American floss is strong enough to use as a noose, there have been fewer floss fatalities in recent years due to Americans eating less corn on the cob.
On a business front, the Dow Jones Industrial Average surged this morning as stocks picked up on word that Mr. Murphy is finally paying off some of his massive debt. Wall Street traders quickly moved to capitalize and by mid-day, the market had risen 178 points. Alan Greenspan, warning that the economy might be moving at an unsustainable pace, cautioned traders that Murphy’s debt, while significantly reduced, would probably increase again around the third quarter, due a friend’s wedding in May, his roommate going back to Ohio in June, and his trip to Birmingham near July. Greenspan’s statement eroded consumer confidence on Murphy’s part, which resulted in a catastrophic loss at Bergdorf Goodman’s department store when Murphy didn’t buy a tie he liked.
When our crack reporters finally caught up with Mr. Murphy this afternoon and asked him to comment on his day he responded, “Well, it was just an average day. But the way you guys put it, maybe it wasn’t so normal after all..”
So if you’re feeling low, Thomasville, go out an tell a reporter a story. You may be surprised how interesting you can seem.
—Morgan Murphy