I sat bolt upright in the bed as a crash of thunder shook the whole house. White light flooded the room and I could see thirty-five sets of glass eyeballs looking back at me. “Whooahhhyadadayayda!” I said after regaining my senses. I was house-sitting for a friend, and sleeping in their daughter’s room. Stuffed animals […]
Stuffed bear served his childhood purpose Read More »
As it turns out, velcro was not invented by NASA. It was invented by a French person named George de Mestral who went on a hike in the 1940s and found a giant ball of plastic hook and loop fasteners which he then rolled back into town and started applying to the shoes of little French boys and girls.
Don’t Mess with the Velcro Folks Read More »
Edwina routinely drives at a speed equal to her age-which polite grandsons don’t mention in major magazines. Let’s just say it’s over any legal limit here in America. “I know I’m going too fast,” she declares, “when that duck turns around and looks at me.”
This summer I ran an experiment to test with the environment up here in New York City does the average person. I figured it would be grim, what with all the cars and smoke, but didn’t know it would be as lethal as it turned out. To run my test, I was gonna use lab
The Green Peril croaks in NYC Read More »
Cloning me was a piece of cake, some Pop-Tarts, and a couple of barbecue sandwiches. I mixed that stuff with a little primordial ooze and scientific fluids that bubble and fizz. Then I put it all in the microwave for seven-and-a-half-minutes on “HI,” and PRESTO! A carbon copy of Morgan Murphy.
Clone found to be defective Read More »
As your New York City columnist, I had to ask myself some pretty difficult questions this week. Boy, it was a big news week. Let’s see here: the Super Bowl, the pope was in Cuba, Iraq defied the United Nations and it looks like we may go to war, a bomb went off in Birmingham,
Grandmama could handle Bill Read More »
This is my last column. Why you ask? Because I have just won $10 million from Publisher’s Clearing House, and if you poor saps think I’m going to sit on my patootey, week after week, and write columns about grits and Moon Pies, well you obviously don’t know JACK about being a millionaire. After all,
The lucky lottery winner Read More »
As published by Esquire: We ran into this guy from across town not too long ago. Had the shiniest dress shoes we’d ever seen. Like slick patent leather but on salarymen’s calfskin. Asked him how he did it. He wouldn’t tell us. Said it was his maternal grandfather’s secret. Said maybe, just maybe, he’d write
What I want to know is how Khartoumians meet one another without getting arrested? Does the minister say “I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the barrier.”?
I have trouble dating as it is, thank you very much. I don’t need my blind dates to be any blinder.
We have a lot to be thankful for in America Read More »
Normally, I devote this column to those things that have made this county great, things that make you proud to be an American, things that Norman Rockwell might have painted had he ever gotten around to it, things like Jell-O and Moon Pies. But today, gentle reader, I write not of things that make
Problem with France is the French Read More »
