This is my last column. Why you ask? Because I have just won $10 million from Publisher’s Clearing House, and if you poor saps think I’m going to sit on my patootey, week after week, and write columns about grits and Moon Pies, well you obviously don’t know JACK about being a millionaire. After all,
The lucky lottery winner Read More »
As published by Esquire: We ran into this guy from across town not too long ago. Had the shiniest dress shoes we’d ever seen. Like slick patent leather but on salarymen’s calfskin. Asked him how he did it. He wouldn’t tell us. Said it was his maternal grandfather’s secret. Said maybe, just maybe, he’d write
What I want to know is how Khartoumians meet one another without getting arrested? Does the minister say “I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the barrier.”?
I have trouble dating as it is, thank you very much. I don’t need my blind dates to be any blinder.
We have a lot to be thankful for in America Read More »
Normally, I devote this column to those things that have made this county great, things that make you proud to be an American, things that Norman Rockwell might have painted had he ever gotten around to it, things like Jell-O and Moon Pies. But today, gentle reader, I write not of things that make
Problem with France is the French Read More »
It’s hard to believe, but one of America’s silliest foods is a billion dollar industry. It’s even harder to believe the various food items that are routinely mixed with Jell-O. Many Jell-O recipes sound like what’s left over after you defrost the refrigerator and find food you haven’t touched since the last presidential administration.
Southern Jell-O recipes Read More »
But trying to stay fashionable in New York costs roughly the same as a toilet at the Pentagon, so I never even tried. In defiance of every fashion magazine and shop window, I wear my native clothes and figure New Yorkers can just cope. They put up with robberies, bombings, nuclear threats, crack dealers, cab drivers, movie stars, escaped terrorists, Canadians, and Donald Trump–what’re a little khaki pants and button-down shirts going to hurt?
Yankees planning invasion Read More »
The year was 1947. People still took trains back then. My grandfather had just seen his first jet airplane a few years earlier. Werner Von Braun was tinkering around in Huntsville trying to come up with a American UFO. And lo, some yahoo ranch foreman named W. W. Brazel walked out into his backyard near Roswell and found (horrors!) “strange, shiny material.”
Alien sightings not confined to the Southwest Read More »
Never in all my years of professional ogling at various women with my cronies have I ever heard a man say, “Hey look at that babe! What eyes, what hair! She’s gorgeous! Oh, but look at her feet.”
Open mouth and insert foot Read More »
My science/technology/math comprehension ends, I mean stops dead, at the lever and pulley. I know how that stuff works. I can fix a lever and a pulley. You want someone to explain an inclined plane to you? I’m your man. Don’t get the science of a crowbar? I’ll set you straight. Combustion I understand. Steam power I understand.
Math is not a Southern Skill Read More »
New York is the psychotherapy capitol of the U.S.. Everyone has a psychiatrist, couselor, therapist, or “group.” The entire city seems to be trying to figure out who is normal and who is likely to start making strange fertilizer concoctions and renting moving vans. Sure, everyone thinks they’re normal. But let’s be honest here–I’m from
Northern psychobabble puzzling Read More »
