“Morgan?” the voice on the other end of the line asked when I answered the phone. I thought it was a friend, or perhaps my dad. “Yes?” I answered. “This is Bill from AT&T. I have a special offer for you.” Bill had telephone service to sell me, or perhaps it was a credit card. […]
That’s Mr. Murphy to you, bub Read More »
Sometimes, strolling over kudzu-covered hill and dale,I’m comforted by the thought that when the
Souths’ last barbecue smolders and dies, when the last pickup truck sputters to a stop, when the last column falls off the last plantation house, when diners in Yazoo, Mississippi, and Eufaula, Alabama, succumb to mocha-decaf-cappuccino-skim lattes, kudzu will still be there, creeping at a rate of 12 inches per day, tucking every vestige of our glorious region under a thick green quilt.
Advice: when trying to hail a t cab with a 14-foot holiday deco-ration, it is best to hide said tree behind a pole of some description, hail a cab, and then mention that you have “an item” you’d like to put in the trunk.
It’s Tree-Trimming Time in the Big Apple Read More »
I sat bolt upright in the bed as a crash of thunder shook the whole house. White light flooded the room and I could see thirty-five sets of glass eyeballs looking back at me. “Whooahhhyadadayayda!” I said after regaining my senses. I was house-sitting for a friend, and sleeping in their daughter’s room. Stuffed animals
Stuffed bear served his childhood purpose Read More »
As it turns out, velcro was not invented by NASA. It was invented by a French person named George de Mestral who went on a hike in the 1940s and found a giant ball of plastic hook and loop fasteners which he then rolled back into town and started applying to the shoes of little French boys and girls.
Don’t Mess with the Velcro Folks Read More »
Edwina routinely drives at a speed equal to her age-which polite grandsons don’t mention in major magazines. Let’s just say it’s over any legal limit here in America. “I know I’m going too fast,” she declares, “when that duck turns around and looks at me.”
This summer I ran an experiment to test with the environment up here in New York City does the average person. I figured it would be grim, what with all the cars and smoke, but didn’t know it would be as lethal as it turned out. To run my test, I was gonna use lab
The Green Peril croaks in NYC Read More »
Cloning me was a piece of cake, some Pop-Tarts, and a couple of barbecue sandwiches. I mixed that stuff with a little primordial ooze and scientific fluids that bubble and fizz. Then I put it all in the microwave for seven-and-a-half-minutes on “HI,” and PRESTO! A carbon copy of Morgan Murphy.
Clone found to be defective Read More »
As your New York City columnist, I had to ask myself some pretty difficult questions this week. Boy, it was a big news week. Let’s see here: the Super Bowl, the pope was in Cuba, Iraq defied the United Nations and it looks like we may go to war, a bomb went off in Birmingham,
Grandmama could handle Bill Read More »
This is my last column. Why you ask? Because I have just won $10 million from Publisher’s Clearing House, and if you poor saps think I’m going to sit on my patootey, week after week, and write columns about grits and Moon Pies, well you obviously don’t know JACK about being a millionaire. After all,
The lucky lottery winner Read More »
