Where the devil is my Pulitzer? Here I am, slaving away in New York, writing humor columns week after week—where’s the the fame? Where’s the glory? Where’s the money? Where is the Pulitzer prize? I ask you, gentle reader, if a columnist at the Noo-Yawk Times can win a Pulitzer for writing about Monica Lewinsky, […]
Bright Lights, Small Parts—no prizes Read More »
Parties are expensive. They take time. They take extensive preparation. They take going to Sam’s Wholesale Club and buying those little quiches. But New Yorkers have found a way to circumvent all that: have someone throw a party for you. Really, it’s much more civilized. Just last month I was invited to a party for
Celebrities don’t throw their own parties Read More »
“Morgan?” the voice on the other end of the line asked when I answered the phone. I thought it was a friend, or perhaps my dad. “Yes?” I answered. “This is Bill from AT&T. I have a special offer for you.” Bill had telephone service to sell me, or perhaps it was a credit card.
That’s Mr. Murphy to you, bub Read More »
Advice: when trying to hail a t cab with a 14-foot holiday deco-ration, it is best to hide said tree behind a pole of some description, hail a cab, and then mention that you have “an item” you’d like to put in the trunk.
It’s Tree-Trimming Time in the Big Apple Read More »
I’m betting you’re probably down to the dark meat and giblets by now. I’m betting you’re probably down to the dark meat and giblets by now. Each year around Thanksgiving, Americans eat about 12 billion pounds of turkey: or 10 pounds per person, per sandwich, per hour. This amazing gobbler consumption is carried out despite
Turkey puts him in a foul mood Read More »
I sat bolt upright in the bed as a crash of thunder shook the whole house. White light flooded the room and I could see thirty-five sets of glass eyeballs looking back at me. “Whooahhhyadadayayda!” I said after regaining my senses. I was house-sitting for a friend, and sleeping in their daughter’s room. Stuffed animals
Stuffed bear served his childhood purpose Read More »
As it turns out, velcro was not invented by NASA. It was invented by a French person named George de Mestral who went on a hike in the 1940s and found a giant ball of plastic hook and loop fasteners which he then rolled back into town and started applying to the shoes of little French boys and girls.
Don’t Mess with the Velcro Folks Read More »
This summer I ran an experiment to test with the environment up here in New York City does the average person. I figured it would be grim, what with all the cars and smoke, but didn’t know it would be as lethal as it turned out. To run my test, I was gonna use lab
The Green Peril croaks in NYC Read More »
Cloning me was a piece of cake, some Pop-Tarts, and a couple of barbecue sandwiches. I mixed that stuff with a little primordial ooze and scientific fluids that bubble and fizz. Then I put it all in the microwave for seven-and-a-half-minutes on “HI,” and PRESTO! A carbon copy of Morgan Murphy.
Clone found to be defective Read More »
The inspiration for Valentine’s Day was a man named Saint Valentine. He was a martyr. The definition of “martyr,” according to Webster is “one who gets whacked for no good reason.” I believe our modern culture has confused “traumatic” with “romantic.” Personally, I don’t consider getting beat upside the head a particularly loving gesture. In
Ever wondered why Cupid is armed? Read More »
