Andalusia Star News – Page 3

Yankees planning invasion

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But trying to stay fashionable in New York costs roughly the same as a toilet at the Pentagon, so I never even tried. In defiance of every fashion magazine and shop window, I wear my native clothes and figure New Yorkers can just cope. They put up with robberies, bombings, nuclear threats, crack dealers, cab drivers, movie stars, escaped terrorists, Canadians, and Donald Trump–what’re a little khaki pants and button-down shirts going to hurt?

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Alien sightings not confined to the Southwest

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The year was 1947. People still took trains back then. My grandfather had just seen his first jet airplane a few years earlier. Werner Von Braun was tinkering around in Huntsville trying to come up with a American UFO. And lo, some yahoo ranch foreman named W. W. Brazel walked out into his backyard near Roswell and found (horrors!) “strange, shiny material.”

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Open mouth and insert foot

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Never in all my years of professional ogling at various women with my cronies have I ever heard a man say, “Hey look at that babe! What eyes, what hair! She’s gorgeous! Oh, but look at her feet.”

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Math is not a Southern Skill

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My science/technology/math comprehension ends, I mean stops dead, at the lever and pulley. I know how that stuff works. I can fix a lever and a pulley. You want someone to explain an inclined plane to you? I’m your man. Don’t get the science of a crowbar? I’ll set you straight. Combustion I understand. Steam power I understand.

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Northern psychobabble puzzling

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New York is the psychotherapy capitol of the U.S.. Everyone has a psychiatrist, couselor, therapist, or “group.” The entire city seems to be trying to figure out who is normal and who is likely to start making strange fertilizer concoctions and renting moving vans. Sure, everyone thinks they’re normal. But let’s be honest here–I’m from

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Escaped cows panic New York

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New Yorkers think they know everything. They think they got it good up here. They think they’re smarter than we are. They think they won THE WAR, and if you’re a Southerner, you know which war I’m talking about. Which all just goes to show that they don’t know Jack. And if you try to

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Danish mom pleads ignorance

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A Danish mother visiting Manhattan left her baby in a carriage outside a barbecue restaurant while she was eating with her husband on Tuesday evening. Alarmed New Yorkers called the police and the mother, Annette Sorensen, was arrested for neglect. I’ve had some good barbecue in my life, but I can personally vouch that there

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Anyone can be newsworthy

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Back when I was a civilian, and hadn’t done any reporting for the media, I read about other people in the newspaper and thought wow! How did they get to be so special? But now that I’ve worked for The New York Post, Harper’s BAZAAR, and Vanity Fair, I know that a good reporter

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New York cabbie draws rave reviews

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In Alabama, we leave a lot of stuff in our cars: hats, cheeseburgers, small children, books, movies, cameras, purses, and even the car keys. And that’s just in the front seat. The car is simply a miniature version of our house, we spend lots of time in it, we clean it, we pamper it, we

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Oscar party in the Big Apple

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“Uma, Ophra, and Op, Alabama,” can you tell me how these things go together? “Not very well,” is the answer. Your roving South-Alabama-native-but-living-in-Manhattan columnist crashed a few Oscar parties here in New York City. Normally, like most of the billion viewers who watched Monday night’s event on ABC, I view the Oscars alone, dressed

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