Every month, I pay about $3 a square foot for a crummy little apartment on the fifth floor of a former tuberculoses hospital on the East side of this island called Manhattan. I’m not complaining, because it’s one of the best deals around. For an expatriate Alabamian, the idea of renting anything on $36 annual-square-foot […]
Where’s my Park Ave. Penthouse? Read More »
At some point in a man’s life, the weather becomes more than a subject for light chit-chat. It becomes religion. On any given day, Guy Wiggins can tell me the dew point pressure in Manhattan, regardless of the fact that he hasn’t visited in twenty years. He also consistently monitors the rainfall in Andalusia. Currently, this is something of a mystery to me considering that Granddaddy only grows grass and the occasional tree. But I’m sure it will make sense when I’m 81.
Grandfather Guy celebrates 81st birthday Read More »
The world’s second oldest profession is no doubt, politics. However depending on the politician, I’d say public office-seeking often resembles the job description of the world’s first oldest profession. I’ve gone and done it – – bringing up politics and sex in the same article. Alas, the sort of times we live in. I generally
Smutty times call for smutty measures Read More »
Let me tell you why space aliens aren’t being hidden by our government. Look at our politicians. Look at the publicity shaking hands with an alien would generate. Look at the politicians again. Now say to yourself, “Would Bill Clinton give up the opportunity to welcome ET to the free world as he got off his spaceship?” If you answer “Yes” to that question, you’re a Ross Perot supporter, I have ways of sensing these things.
UFO’S won’t be kept secret in America Read More »
I decided to do a little volunteer work this year for the Boy Scouts of America. I was a proud Boy Scout, and I figured Yankee boys couldn’t be that different. I have said it before, and it is worth repeating, that there are a number of things I gave up once I passed through
Roughing it in New York with the Scouts Read More »
There’s no place in New York City to stomp up some peanuts. And that’s a pity. Fact is, New Yorkers don’t know squat about peanuts except that Jimmy Carter grew ’em and JIFF is made out of them. If there’s one thing we can be proud of in the Great State of Alabama, it’s the
Mr. Dillon has taken Bama out of Alabama Read More »
My Uncle Mark emailed me a note this week that read: “Morgan, I noticed that you haven’t slandered any of your relatives in your columns recently. What’s happened?” You know, that’s really asking for it. The gall of my Uncle Mark. Can you believe that? Is he actually suggesting that I exaggerate in this column?
Ups and downs of sailboat repair Read More »
Depression is the natural state of all New Yorkers. Being miserable and treating others like dirt is every New Yorker’s God-given right. Thus it should come as no surprise that after a year-and-a-half in this city, I was morose a couple of weeks ago, after I had what can be rightfully be described as a
Columnist heads to new career Read More »
The sawing lasted 45 minutes. It was accompanied by the sound of my roommate reciting every swear word in Christendom. When it abated, Alex appeared dripping in sweat, out of breath, and carrying a broken hacksaw, “That . . . (pant pant) . . . SOB . . . is solid . . . (pant pant) . . . steel.”
“Well,” I said, thinking of his health and mental well-being, “why don’t you just leave it?”
“Never!” he said.
And everybody says that cats are smarter than dogs. Well, I’m not buying that. Perhaps cat owners are smarter than dog owners (they always seem to be women and literary types), I can buy that. But what do cats do? What function do they serve? Have you seen a cat that can fetch? A hunting cat? A bob-sled cat? A fire-fighting cat? A drug-sniffing cat? A seeing-eye cat? How ’bout even a guard cat?
Get yourself a “dawg” Read More »
