Edwina routinely drives at a speed equal to her age-which polite grandsons don’t mention in major magazines. Let’s just say it’s over any legal limit here in America. “I know I’m going too fast,” she declares, “when that duck turns around and looks at me.”
This summer I ran an experiment to test with the environment up here in New York City does the average person. I figured it would be grim, what with all the cars and smoke, but didn’t know it would be as lethal as it turned out. To run my test, I was gonna use lab
The Green Peril croaks in NYC Read More »
Cloning me was a piece of cake, some Pop-Tarts, and a couple of barbecue sandwiches. I mixed that stuff with a little primordial ooze and scientific fluids that bubble and fizz. Then I put it all in the microwave for seven-and-a-half-minutes on “HI,” and PRESTO! A carbon copy of Morgan Murphy.
Clone found to be defective Read More »
The inspiration for Valentine’s Day was a man named Saint Valentine. He was a martyr. The definition of “martyr,” according to Webster is “one who gets whacked for no good reason.” I believe our modern culture has confused “traumatic” with “romantic.” Personally, I don’t consider getting beat upside the head a particularly loving gesture. In
Ever wondered why Cupid is armed? Read More »
Perhaps because I am a native of Alabama, I am not an expert on haute couture (French for “expensive clothes.”) But this week I was invited to be a style critic at the men’s fashion shows being held in Manhattan. Generally, people in Alabama don’t speak much about the garment- design business. After all, the
The world of fashion is a scary place Read More »
As your New York City columnist, I had to ask myself some pretty difficult questions this week. Boy, it was a big news week. Let’s see here: the Super Bowl, the pope was in Cuba, Iraq defied the United Nations and it looks like we may go to war, a bomb went off in Birmingham,
Grandmama could handle Bill Read More »
This is my last column. Why you ask? Because I have just won $10 million from Publisher’s Clearing House, and if you poor saps think I’m going to sit on my patootey, week after week, and write columns about grits and Moon Pies, well you obviously don’t know JACK about being a millionaire. After all,
The lucky lottery winner Read More »
What I want to know is how Khartoumians meet one another without getting arrested? Does the minister say “I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the barrier.”?
I have trouble dating as it is, thank you very much. I don’t need my blind dates to be any blinder.
We have a lot to be thankful for in America Read More »
Football. I’ll bet I just doubled my readership by beginning with that word. If you were born in the Great State, the mighty pigskin is a part of your consciousness. Alabamians are fond of the game in the same way that the Hindenburg was a balloon. It was the last few minutes of the Iron
Yankees just don’t get Iron Bowl Read More »
Last night I witnessed a distinguished group of elderly ladies suddenly disintegrate into babbling, wide-eyed, blithering idiots. “OOOH!” the women said, “oodle, oodle, cha-cha-cha-cha, figgidy, figgidy, blurp!” It was a sad moment. All of us watched as some cupped their hands over their faces for a few seconds, only to emerge with stricken looks of
Babies bring out strange behavior Read More »
