Last night I witnessed a distinguished group of elderly ladies suddenly disintegrate into babbling, wide-eyed, blithering idiots. “OOOH!” the women said, “oodle, oodle, cha-cha-cha-cha, figgidy, figgidy, blurp!” It was a sad moment. All of us watched as some cupped their hands over their faces for a few seconds, only to emerge with stricken looks of […]
Babies bring out strange behavior Read More »
Normally, I devote this column to those things that have made this county great, things that make you proud to be an American, things that Norman Rockwell might have painted had he ever gotten around to it, things like Jell-O and Moon Pies. But today, gentle reader, I write not of things that make
Problem with France is the French Read More »
When I opened the rusty-white door to the Frigidaire, what seemed like a thousand watts bashed me in the eyeballs in the late night of a South Alabama summer. Arm over my eyes, I groped around using my keen sense of feel to try to locate a Co-Cola. Squinting only to find that I was
Columnist vs. roach battle ensues Read More »
I am about to devote an entire column to something I know is probably on your mind right now. A subject that is pressing on the cerebral cortex of Andalusians everywhere: New Hampshire. In pursuit of the “good life” and the Great American Dream, I recently sallied forth into that expanse of wild country, that
New Hampshire motto sparks questions Read More »
It’s hard to believe, but one of America’s silliest foods is a billion dollar industry. It’s even harder to believe the various food items that are routinely mixed with Jell-O. Many Jell-O recipes sound like what’s left over after you defrost the refrigerator and find food you haven’t touched since the last presidential administration.
Southern Jell-O recipes Read More »
But trying to stay fashionable in New York costs roughly the same as a toilet at the Pentagon, so I never even tried. In defiance of every fashion magazine and shop window, I wear my native clothes and figure New Yorkers can just cope. They put up with robberies, bombings, nuclear threats, crack dealers, cab drivers, movie stars, escaped terrorists, Canadians, and Donald Trump–what’re a little khaki pants and button-down shirts going to hurt?
Yankees planning invasion Read More »
The year was 1947. People still took trains back then. My grandfather had just seen his first jet airplane a few years earlier. Werner Von Braun was tinkering around in Huntsville trying to come up with a American UFO. And lo, some yahoo ranch foreman named W. W. Brazel walked out into his backyard near Roswell and found (horrors!) “strange, shiny material.”
Alien sightings not confined to the Southwest Read More »
Never in all my years of professional ogling at various women with my cronies have I ever heard a man say, “Hey look at that babe! What eyes, what hair! She’s gorgeous! Oh, but look at her feet.”
Open mouth and insert foot Read More »
My science/technology/math comprehension ends, I mean stops dead, at the lever and pulley. I know how that stuff works. I can fix a lever and a pulley. You want someone to explain an inclined plane to you? I’m your man. Don’t get the science of a crowbar? I’ll set you straight. Combustion I understand. Steam power I understand.
Math is not a Southern Skill Read More »
New York is the psychotherapy capitol of the U.S.. Everyone has a psychiatrist, couselor, therapist, or “group.” The entire city seems to be trying to figure out who is normal and who is likely to start making strange fertilizer concoctions and renting moving vans. Sure, everyone thinks they’re normal. But let’s be honest here–I’m from
Northern psychobabble puzzling Read More »
