This week, Bill Clinton, a.k.a. the Big Mac President, alias the Commander in Beef, leader of the Feed World and of the last “supersize me” nation, came to New York City and did a little Christmas shopping.
As a result, we all know exactly what he bought Hillary and the first frosh for Christmas. How? Because nearly every major newspaper in America reported his “$1,400 spending spree.” as the New York Post called it.
I’d say His Presidency got off easy. In New York City, $1,400 and the right loan officer might buy you a cup of coffee. According to the New York Times, it got Bill: three pillboxes (somebody sick?), five amber pins made in Poland (that’ll lose him some labor votes), three soft-sided leather briefcases (useful for hauling soft money), two “trinkets” from a Western store (a.k.a., stocking stuffers), and six “oatmeal- colored sweaters” imprinted with the face of a black Labrador from a store called “Knits and Pieces.”
Now I ask you, gentle reader, what does this mean and why is it newsworthy? Aside from telling us that journalists are cheap and that the president has absolutely no taste as evidenced by his purchase of dog sweaters the color of breakfast, it reminds us, as sensible Americans, that ohmigosh! Christmas is in two weeks! Get me some incense and myrrh! I haven’t even started!
Thus, yesterday, with El Presidente, I started my shopping.
I thought about the people on my list Let’s see here: Mama, Daddy, and my three sisters. Hmmm. Dog sweaters! The perfect solution!
Tragically, there was a mysterious run on googling-colored canine activewear, so I made a dash for Saks Fifth Avenue, Tiffany’s, Bergdorf Good- man’s, Bloomingdales, and Cartier.
You know, the low-brow shacks here in Manhattan where a shopper can get bargain basement prices. Now, I have made a budget, unlike WJC (whose initials, not surprisingly, haven’t caught on like those of other presidents of this century, FDR, JFK, LBJ, and that man who should have been prez, Barry “Nuk’em” Goldwater, whose initials were, I believe, I.N.V.A.D.E. C.U.B.A.).
We all know that the president makes, in cash, $200,000 a year. And some math-like people over at the Congressional accounting office, who have recently spent $81 million to buy a really big version of “Quicken” to balance the budget, have figured out that with benefits (the cars, the planes, the helicopters, the house, the free cufflinks, and pillow mints, etcetera} that the president’s actual income comes out to roughly $14 million a year.
After struggling for nearly five hours and interviewing a nerdy-looking guy that appeared to know quantitative numerations and other useless junk that we English majors didn’t waste our time on while studying truly important things like Beowulf: a Postmodern, Metafeminist approach, I arrived at the conclusion that “Big Bubba” spent .01 percent of his actual salary on Christmas presidents, I mean presents. Not exactly a “spree,” is it?
But hey, if it’s a good enough budget for the POTUS, I figure it would be extravagant and imprudent of me to spend a greater percentage of my salary on gifts than Mr. Clinton.
So let’s see here. My total salary with benefits is, er – Lemmie do the math: fifty-two columns times point zero one percent, carry the one, add three dollars for my Christmas bonus, divide by halt for taxes, and ta-dah!
I have a whopping $2 to spend on Christmas for five people.
Ba humbug. How much do coal lumps cost?
—Morgan Murphy