As your New York City columnist, I had to ask myself some pretty difficult questions this week.
Boy, it was a big news week. Let’s see here: the Super Bowl, the pope was in Cuba, Iraq defied the United Nations and it looks like we may go to war, a bomb went off in Birmingham, the state of the union was on Tuesday night – – and hmmm, there was something else—what was it? I think it was something of major importance. Something that rocked the nation.
Hmmmm. Wait! Now I remember: Charlton Heston admitted to owning a Spice Girls CD.
Okay, okay. There is another big story. Right now, every journalist in Manhattan is mulling over politics. But not me. No sir. I write humor column. And there is nothing humorous about this situation.
Well, almost nothing. But rest assured, I won’t be poking fun at shocking events inside the Beltway (nudge, nudge). I’ll just stick to the facts.
A new White House scandal. Hard to believe, no? Goodness. Just last week we were sitting around talking about Buddy the first dog, and now we’re talking about all sorts of debauchery, fornication, and adultery.
Personally, I think it’s time to have Buddy “fixed.”
The facts of the case are like this: the Supreme Court justices ruled that a sitting president could be sued by Paul Jones – – a major challenge to the standing of Mr. Clinton.
Meanwhile, Kenneth Star, a “special” federal prosecutor, who has spent millions of dollar harassing the president on a defunct land deal, began investigating rumors about events on government property.
Ken wired a Penthouse (did I say “Penthouse?” Oops, I meant “Pentagon”) secretary, Linda Tripp, who was “friends” with a White House intern named Monica. Unlike Watergate, we now know the identity of the informant in this investigation.
Linda recorded 20 hours of tape on which Monica allegedly reveals a number of sordid details about the president and his monument democracy. Ironically, the tapes wouldn’t be relevant except the president and Monica both testified in the Paul Jones case that they never formed a more perfect union.
So here’s the rub: the tapes make one of them a liar, and therefore guilty of a federal crime: perjury.
Remember, presidents who are guilty of federal crimes have a difficult time staying in the oval office.
And even in the short term, the scandal is very damaging to executive branch affairs because it robs Mr. Clinton’s debriefing time from others who want to sit on the presidential staff.
But now, after the state of the union, we know that Mr. Clinton’s popularity stands at 78% – – attribute to his fondness of constantly pulling his constituents.
Even with a firm grasp of facts, well, I just didn’t know what to think about the whole thing. So I decided to interview Grandmama and see if she could sum up the current affairs. Here’s what she told me:
“Oh, what a mess! It’s just a mess. Why, that man just burns me up. Here he is with this young woman. I’ve got granddaughters her age! OH! Just burns me up.
“You know, if you act like a lady, you will be treated like a lady. Humph! I never told you this, but when I was in the Red Cross during the war – – I just loved working for the Red Cross – – this colonel, Well! He just put me in the most compromising position.
“So I just hauled off and slapped his face right there. That’s how you have to handle it.
“Somebody who is going to do all of that is just going to do it. So I slapped him. Well I did!
“He was fresh! I took magazines on all my dates to whomp ‘em if they got fresh.
“Really! That’s what that young intern girl should have done. Just wholloped the president with an issue of ‘Vogue’!”
Sensible words for insensible times.
—Morgan Murphy