The world’s second oldest profession is no doubt, politics. However depending on the politician, I’d say public office-seeking often resembles the job description of the world’s first oldest profession.
I’ve gone and done it – – bringing up politics and sex in the same article. Alas, the sort of times we live in. I generally try to avoid such talk in this forum, but smutty times call for smutty measures.
I’ll tell you flat out – – I don’t know that much about politics; never held public office; never met my senators; never went to law school. But this is America, a country where ignorance never hampered public opinion, so here goes.
For a long time, I thought about being liberal. I was in college. I didn’t have any money. But being a liberal was frustrating because I was always too broadminded to take my own side in an argument.
“A conservative government is an organized hypocrisy,” Benjamin Disraeli said in 1845. Hypocrisy can be kinda swell, gave some thought to being a conservative. Aside from throwing boring parties, the conservative young people I met were a dubious lot. My friend Walter Blatten was a young conservative (now he’s in Zaire making bead necklaces) and the best way to describe the poor boy is a pumpkin with no candle.
So I guess I’m somewhere in the middle, like most Americans. That’s it came as a surprise when I was invited by the freedom forum media studies Center to attend a conference on presidential politics. This was TV, man. We’re talking C-SPAN. All three of the networks cameras were going to be there.
I had to study! Get books! Read biographies! Think up with a quote! I did the research, read the policy, memorize the candidate speeches, and boned up on the issues.
Did you watch the debates this week? About the only clichés those guys didn’t use were “no loitering” and “all employees must wash hands upon leaving the facilities.” I might even have been entertained had one of them gone out on a limb with “do not consume if seal is broken.”
The spinmeisters in Washington, DC have spun and spun. The debates are so dumbed down to a few soundbites that the masses can digest. Nobody wants to get all worked up over an issue only to find out the message went over the voter’s heads. But if the debates get any dumber, the message will be underfoot.
Let’s talk from the politicians about “social revolutions” and being bridges to the past, future, and Lord-knows-where else was confusing to me. Revolutions aren’t made with platitudes and potpourri, and the general consensus in Washington is that when it comes to addressing the issues – – well, we’ll just cross that bridge when we burn it.
So what are the issues? Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty, Thomasville. Here are a few suggestions to pressure your congressman on:
Holiday Turkey Exemption Act —Finally! Holiday without turkey. No more dry, bony, flaky bird on the table. No more pretending you like turkey. No more turkey sandwiches from Thanksgiving to Saint Valentine’s.
Didn’t Ask—I Don’t Wanna Know V-Chip —a ban on television talk-show guests who have dated their mother’s boyfriends and sold their secrets to Ricki.
National Mental Health Days—Stay home. Take a load off. The British get the month of August every year. Americans work more hours per week than any other developed nation on earth parentheses we even work more hours than the Japanese and Germans). We aren’t Puritans anymore as evidence by Rickey – – give it a rest.
The Assault Weapon OK – – Assault weapons are bad, except when that guy cut into your lane and forced you to take off the cruise control. Then it’s OK to pull out your trusty AK-47 and “re-organize” his Dodge.
The Barbecue Equity Bond Bill—make sure that all the citizens of this great nation have equal and frequent access to decent barbecue. Invest $11 billion in barbecue infrastructure within the next seven years.
So what do you think? Campaign material? Perhaps you think I know nothing about anything – – but wouldn’t that make me the perfect candidate? MURPHY ’96.
–Morgan Murphy