Who knew that pulverized cow could be so good?
When I heard about miners dropping dead from Black Lung Disease, caused by prolonged exposure to coal dust, I immediately worried that I might be in jeopardy.
Although I’ve never been in a coal mine (“going down, down, down”), I have been regularly exposed to Jell-O dust. In those critical moments after dumping packages of sugary-colored substance into a bowl, I have often accidentally sucked that stuff into my lungs. Itís hard to avoid, really. One package of gelatin mix creates a billion airborne particles per square inch when not immediately doused in water.
Now granted, my sugar sucking memories are hazy due to the shortness of breath, dizziness, temporary blindness, day-glow expectorant, and worst of all, disorientation. What is still a matter of scientific debate is whether these conditions are brought on by the sugar and food coloring or by me jumping around the kitchen wheezing “Plaaaahh, plaaaahh!”
This disorientation comes from America’s love of Jell-O, which is over 100 years old. I can’t understand it. Suspiciously, I learned that American’s (and it seems specifically many Southerners) buy over a million packages of Jell-O every day.
It’s hard to believe, but one of America’s silliest foods is a billion dollar industry. It’s even harder to believe the various food items that are routinely mixed with Jell-O. Many Jell-O recipes sound like what’s left over after you defrost the refrigerator and find food you haven’t touched since the last presidential administration.
A doctor I know eats black cherry Jell-O with fruit cocktail, cottage cheese, lettuce, and a dab of fat-free mayonnaise every day. I guess it’s healthier than say, a lard sandwich, but I would at least think that lard tastes better.
Old ladies in the South are particularly fond of making things out of pulverized cow bones (well, what do you think makes gelatin firm?). Tomato aspics jiggle beside vegetable congealed salads and fried chicken at nearly every family reunion. I can’t explain it. A congealed salad--a waste of food in nearly every language--has only one use, and that is to throw at one’s little sister.
A friend’s mother was recently seized by gelatinitis-disgustinus, which is a cruel and untreatable disease that apparently addled her brain into thinking that a Jell-O salad was an appropriate dish to bring to a pot luck dinner. I have also noted that this woman wears white shoes after Labor Day, so her character is already suspect. Nonetheless, her trailer-park creation sounded like something prison chefs might create: pastachio Jell-O, Cool Whip, cottage cheese, pineapple chunks, maraschino cherries, baby marshmallows, and shredded coconut. Pecans are optional. I am appalled to relate that by the end of the pot luck, there wasn’t a single miniature marshmallow left in the tin casserole dish.
I’ll admit that as a child I actually liked Jell-O. In college, my roommate Bing enjoyed swapping the regular Jell-O cubes in the cafeteria with ones he’d made from Vodka. Bing really knew how to waste good liquor on the librarians and trigonometry professors. But it was my grandmother that pulled the whopper of all Jell-O recipes.
The setting: I was 10. It was Thanksgiving. I asked for extra “lime” Jell-O congealed salad. Unbeknownst to me, my grandmother must have accidentally snorted gelatin dust because she actually made the following recipe and thought I would like it: Jell-O, chopped onions, daub of horseradish, yellow peppers, white pepper, splash of hot sauce, sour cream, salt, and garlic. Thinking this was my favorite “lime” dessert, I stuck a big glob of it in my mouth. “How do you like it Morgan,” my grandmother blurted.
“Ish is very gooth,” I said back with horseradish congealed salad slowly dissolving my kidneys. When I wasn’t looking, my mother put her portion on my plate--my own mother! That’s when you know it’s really bad.
It doesnt take a Ph.D. to see that I’ve been scarred by Jell-O, but let me just end with this interesting factoid, Alabama. Jell-O was invented right here in New York. Put that one in your mold and jiggle it.
