The spaceship was big and round. Yep, that’s what it was, round. Kinda saucer shaped, really. I know, I know, most UFO spotters see them after slinging back a couple of six packs while playing Nintendo in a trailer park–but I saw a UFO while standing on the observation deck of the Empire State Building here in Manhattan.
As a Southerner, I am naturally more inclined to spot a UFO than a Yankee. That’s just the way it is. We see more of ’em in the South. Perhaps it’s because we’re more welcoming and friendly to aliens. Maybe they figure we’ve got better food. Or it could be that we just see more “Unidentified Flying Objects” because it’s often hard to identify the Goodyear Blimp from the Battlestar Galactica when you’ve eaten potato salad that’s been in the sun too long.
But lo, while I was taking a tour of New York’s second-tallest building, I was abducted by aliens. The saucer hooked itself up to the dirigible mooring dock of the Empire State Building andthese little green men came out and sucked my brain through an Electrolux-lookin’ thingamabob. They analyzed it. Then they gave it back to me and said, “Hey, where can we get us some Sonny & Cher :45’s?” Aside from the startling realization that my brain had been handled by aliens, I was also somewhat disturbed that they apparently liked Bono and Bimbo.
So I told the green guys to pack it up and head to California. But they said “no” because it was too close to Nevada, where apparently the United States Government is hiding other UFO ships.
Well, this was certainly big information, and I tried to get on Hard Copy to tell it (did I say “tell?” I meant, “sell.”). Tragically, there were three other people from Wetumpka, Alabama trying to sell the same story with a different venue. Go figure.
So did you believe the information I gave above? Chances are, about 50% of you did, according to a recent Newsweek poll that cites half country believes our government is hiding UFO information. Of course bear in mind that a large portion of America thinks that Velveeta and Cheese Doodles are good for you, too. I am not in that 50%. Nor I do not believe that the Federal Government is hiding aliens out in Nevada somewhere. The only aliens in Nevada have jumped over the border from Mexico, and they do not have three heads and no eyeballs. They just don’t have green cards.
You can believe what you want about extraterrestrial life. Maybe it’s out there, maybe not. If E.T. comes to New York, you won’t know about it–he’ll be beaten, robbed, and the hubcaps will be missing off his rocket before you can say “Phone Home.”
Let me tell you why space aliens aren’t being hidden by our government. Look at our politicians. Look at the publicity shaking hands with an alien would generate. Look at the politicians again. Now say to yourself, “Would Bill Clinton give up the opportunity to welcome ET to the free world as he got off his spaceship?” If you answer “Yes” to that question, you’re a Ross Perot supporter, I have ways of sensing these things.
Moreover, everything in Washington is run by money. I go to our nation’s capitol every week, and in all the times I’ve been there, I’ve yet to see any green guys running around forming a Political Action Committee to stifle alien sightings. Alien conspiracy proponents think that the government isn’t telling us about aliens because they think we’d be scared. There’s something very wrong in this theory–the government is always trying to scare us. That’s what they’re there for. The IRS, FBI, CIA, and all of the other three-letter agencies are designed to scare us into paying our taxes, being decent citizens, etc.. And Congress is constantly trying to frighten us into some project or another. The right says, “If we don’t get another $39.1 billion for defense, the United States will collapse, children will kill their parents, Cuba will kick our behinds, and gas will cost more.” The left says, “If prayer gets into the schools again, the Constitution will crumble, riots will start in the streets, the justice system will rot, and our children will be warped by the Christian Scientists.”
Who can you believe? Nobody. But there’s one thing you can be certain of–when our government does get its paws on a spacecraft from another planet, it won’t be a secret. And when that does happen, let me assure you The Andalusia Star News will be the first to let you know about it.
—Morgan Murphy