Here comes the bride.
Thankfully, I’ve had a moment of respite from weddings. I went to five this summer. I suppose all my friends are of the marrying age here at 24 years old. In fact, I’m probably behind since Alabama’s average age to be betrothed is 22.
I love weddings. Lots of funny things happen at weddings for the simple reason that lots of funny things always happen when people are trying to be serious.
One of the most serious aspect of wedding is telling everyone about it. Invitations are scrutinized: engraved? 20 pound stock? ivory? Guest lists are poured over and clumped into “a” lists and “b” lists, and of course, plain old blackball lists.
But for sheer humor, nothing beats a wedding announcement. In fact, I collect them. The following announcement is a honest-Abe compilation of hundreds of the bad annoucements I’ve clipped over the years. The names have been changed to protect my good health:
Rhonda Re-Nee Zipser and Jerry Lee Harold 3D were married May 26, 1996 at 7 pm at the Mount Zion Birth of Jesus Church of the Holy Epistle in a double-ring ceremony with the Honorable Reverend Doctor William G. C. Brombley, Jr. officating.
A potluck reception followed the service where the bride brought baked chocolate chip cookies and a six pack of Budweiser. “Rhonda and Jerry are very old-fashioned,” said a friend of the bridegroom, “Our parents’ generation had a great appreciation for the value of a good cocktail party, and that’s something they Rhonda and Jerry appreciate.”
The wedding could have been a novel by Thackeray or Alcott. The Mount Zion Birth of Jesus Church of the Holy Epistle is a tiny white wooden chapel with windows as colorful as Hermés scarfs. When the bride reached the alter, she found she had a cricket under her veil. Her dress cost $450 and contained yards and yards of satin. It took three weeks to order.
The groom wore tails (rented) and looked visibly nervous as he placed the 14 carat gold ring on his bride’s finger. Later, he drove off on his Harley Davidson motorcycle that he had specially equipped with a trailer for the couple’s expansive wedding gifts.
The bride performed a rendition of Nobody Loves me Like You Do for the groom. She has traveled extensively throughout Texas and North Carolina.
The rehearsal dinner was held by the groom’s parents at the Boogaloo room. After a honeymoon trip to Paris where the couple intends to learn to speak French, they will reside in Slapout.
Although this is a compilation of announcements, the originals were usually worse. In case you’ll be writing a announcement soon, let me give you my top ten pointers for writing a swell announcement.
1. Nobody cares what time the couple was married. The day is sufficient.
2. Tell where the reception was held, but not if there was sawdust on the floor.
3. Don’t make comparisons to other weddings or events, ie: “just like Jackie . . .”
4. Don’t say how much anything cost. We know they’re expensive.
5. Don’t list the people who attended unless they’ve appeared in People magazine.
6. Don’t let the bride and groom pose together for the picture kissing each other.
7. Good announcements, like good weddings, are short.
8. Do mention who the parents are, unless they’re in prison.
9. If the bride sings anything, don’t mention it.
10. If the groom is related to the bride before the ceremony, don’t mention it.
—Morgan Murphy