Depression is the natural state of all New Yorkers. Being miserable and treating others like dirt is every New Yorker’s God-given right. Thus it should come as no surprise that after a year-and-a-half in this city, I was morose a couple of weeks ago, after I had what can be rightfully be described as a […]
Columnist heads to new career Read More »
The sawing lasted 45 minutes. It was accompanied by the sound of my roommate reciting every swear word in Christendom. When it abated, Alex appeared dripping in sweat, out of breath, and carrying a broken hacksaw, “That . . . (pant pant) . . . SOB . . . is solid . . . (pant pant) . . . steel.”
“Well,” I said, thinking of his health and mental well-being, “why don’t you just leave it?”
“Never!” he said.
And everybody says that cats are smarter than dogs. Well, I’m not buying that. Perhaps cat owners are smarter than dog owners (they always seem to be women and literary types), I can buy that. But what do cats do? What function do they serve? Have you seen a cat that can fetch? A hunting cat? A bob-sled cat? A fire-fighting cat? A drug-sniffing cat? A seeing-eye cat? How ’bout even a guard cat?
Get yourself a “dawg” Read More »
I want you to sit down and grab your big toes. That’s what I said: your big toes. And while holding your big toes, bring your feet up to the same level as your ears. Yes, both of them at the same time. Still with me? Okay then, now straighten your legs. Why would
The Perils of Yoga Read More »
I took umbrage to a snarky article in the New York Observer about Alabama and took pen to paper to complain. I still laugh, re-reading the letter, which the Observer printed on its trademark pink paper in its entirety. TO THE EDITOR:The May 13 New Yorker’s Diary ridiculed Birmingham, Ala., as the kind of place
The New York Observer: “Alabama Slammer” Read More »
The average speed of traffic in Manhattan is three miles an hour according to New York State Highway and Thoroughfare Department. Seems that a bunch of scientists came up with this statistic by measuring traffic and average commute times. Evidently, none of them have ever been in a New York City cab.
New York Cabbies Defy Laws of Physics Read More »
We’re coming upon a day of the year that I just am not real fond of. April 15th. Uncle Sam’s payday. If there are two things to which I am morally opposed, it’s paying taxes and dropping dead. Thankfully, most of us only have to pass on to the hereafter once. Taxes unfortunately, are
Taxes are a yearly, if not daily, event Read More »
My mama recently came to New York City. Talk about panic. New York City isn’t any place for a genteel Southern lady like my mama to be gallivanting around. No sir. My mother is elegant, soft-spoken, and so beautiful that most people can’t believe she is old enough to have a 24-year-old son. And lest
What is a genteel Southern woman doing in New York City Read More »
Thirty-nine cult followers “shed” their “containment units” a few weeks ago to meet up with an alien spacecraft traveling in the shadow of the Hale-Bopp Comet. It should come as no surprise that they were from California. We’ve got some good old boys here in Alabama that may see UFOs from time to time. We
Test devised for local aliens Read More »
There are uptown little towns, and then there are not-so-uptown little towns. Fortunately, Andalusia is in the “uptown” category. What makes an “uptown,” you ask? Cultural things do. Civic pride. A good golf course. Artists. Writers. A pretty square. Andalusians certainly have more to do than go to a hamburger joint and drive around the
Ballet sissy? I think not Read More »
