There’s no place in New York City to stomp up some peanuts. And that’s a pity. Fact is, New Yorkers don’t know squat about peanuts except that Jimmy Carter grew ’em and JIFF is made out of them. If there’s one thing we can be proud of in the Great State of Alabama, it’s the […]
Mr. Dillon has taken Bama out of Alabama Read More »
My Uncle Mark emailed me a note this week that read: “Morgan, I noticed that you haven’t slandered any of your relatives in your columns recently. What’s happened?” You know, that’s really asking for it. The gall of my Uncle Mark. Can you believe that? Is he actually suggesting that I exaggerate in this column?
Ups and downs of sailboat repair Read More »
The New York Times ran an op-ed in 1996 suggesting America aided developing nations far too little. I wrote the Times arguing that American defense spending is (and continues to be) aid to nations such as Germany, Japan, South Korea, and others under our nuclear umbrella. I believed in 1997 that America must maintain a
America First: Even in the 1990s Read More »
Depression is the natural state of all New Yorkers. Being miserable and treating others like dirt is every New Yorker’s God-given right. Thus it should come as no surprise that after a year-and-a-half in this city, I was morose a couple of weeks ago, after I had what can be rightfully be described as a
Columnist heads to new career Read More »
The sawing lasted 45 minutes. It was accompanied by the sound of my roommate reciting every swear word in Christendom. When it abated, Alex appeared dripping in sweat, out of breath, and carrying a broken hacksaw, “That . . . (pant pant) . . . SOB . . . is solid . . . (pant pant) . . . steel.”
“Well,” I said, thinking of his health and mental well-being, “why don’t you just leave it?”
“Never!” he said.
And everybody says that cats are smarter than dogs. Well, I’m not buying that. Perhaps cat owners are smarter than dog owners (they always seem to be women and literary types), I can buy that. But what do cats do? What function do they serve? Have you seen a cat that can fetch? A hunting cat? A bob-sled cat? A fire-fighting cat? A drug-sniffing cat? A seeing-eye cat? How ’bout even a guard cat?
Get yourself a “dawg” Read More »
I want you to sit down and grab your big toes. That’s what I said: your big toes. And while holding your big toes, bring your feet up to the same level as your ears. Yes, both of them at the same time. Still with me? Okay then, now straighten your legs. Why would
The Perils of Yoga Read More »
I took umbrage to a snarky article in the New York Observer about Alabama and took pen to paper to complain. I still laugh, re-reading the letter, which the Observer printed on its trademark pink paper in its entirety. TO THE EDITOR:The May 13 New Yorker’s Diary ridiculed Birmingham, Ala., as the kind of place
The New York Observer: “Alabama Slammer” Read More »
The average speed of traffic in Manhattan is three miles an hour according to New York State Highway and Thoroughfare Department. Seems that a bunch of scientists came up with this statistic by measuring traffic and average commute times. Evidently, none of them have ever been in a New York City cab.
New York Cabbies Defy Laws of Physics Read More »
We’re coming upon a day of the year that I just am not real fond of. April 15th. Uncle Sam’s payday. If there are two things to which I am morally opposed, it’s paying taxes and dropping dead. Thankfully, most of us only have to pass on to the hereafter once. Taxes unfortunately, are
Taxes are a yearly, if not daily, event Read More »
