Articles
National security analysis and reporting from a writer whose work has reached millions across the nation's leading publications.
Power Should be Cheap, Clean, and Abundant
In 1968, a few hours up the road at Oak Ridge, Tenn., American engineers invented a nuclear reactor whose fuel was already liquid so there was no solid core to melt down. The…
Morgan Murphy: Barry Moore is a veteran — period
As published by 1819 News There’s always someone who’s given more. New military recruits feel sheepish about not being activated. Soldiers activated for domestic emergencies feel…
SEN TOMMY TUBERVILLE, MORGAN MURPHY: Republicans must win the map war once and for all
In a country where only 20 House seats are truly competitive, two more Republicans from Alabama could mean the difference between gridlock and advancing President Trump’s agenda…
Big Brother spies on Coach
As published by 1819 News The federal government has crossed a line, and it makes Watergate look like a parking ticket. Special counsel Jack Smith’s probe on Jan. 6 wiretapped…
Pete Hegseth Fat Shames Generals At A Time When Standards Matter
As Published in Daily Caller “It’s completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon leading commands around the country and the world,” said…
Charlie Kirk And The Pivotal Turning Point In Our Culture
Even before Charlie Kirk was pronounced dead by President Trump last Thursday at 4:40 EST, legacy media and liberal commentators were already speculating how to pin the civil…
Trump Begins to Drain the DC Swamp
Washington, D.C., is experiencing its first true transfer of power in 50 years. No state in America leans so liberal as the nation’s capital. Exhibit A: Washington voted for…
Kash Patel Is Already Making Beltway Bandits Sweat
Americans now know how deeply the deep state runs in Washington, D.C. The looming confirmation of Kash Patel will be the first reckoning at the FBI since the Church Committee’s…
Things Are Going From Bad To Worse For The Permanent Bureaucratic State
Do the Dems think rushing to the barricades to defend out-of-control spending will earn them the respect and admiration of the American public? Expect their approval ratings to…
How Tommy Tuberville Sacked The Pentagon’s Abortion Scam
Senator Tuberville followed through on his pledge, blocking every admiral and general appointment in the United States military. He held that position for nearly a year, spending…
Get to Church, Dems
Religious Americans overwhelmingly and decisively voted for Donald J. Trump, by 63 percent among Protestants and 59 percent among Catholics, according to a CNN exit poll. The…
Hegseth Will Be Confirmed
Democrats trotted out personal attacks: Hegseth drank too much at a party, he made a pass at a woman, he once went to a strip club. Oh, the horror. Can you imagine a soldier, home…
Common Sense Needs To Take Over In California — And Beyond
We need creative leaders who ask themselves “how would I handle a similar event?” and “what’s the next crisis most likely to hit my area of responsibility?” It’s a mode that seems…
Investigate The Real Radical Extremism
Your nation’s active and former military members are far more likely to save your life and property than take it. Sadly, you won’t hear that from our current commander-in-chief or…
Trump Driving Foreign Policy Blob Crazy By Daring To Put America First
Trump’s worldview is in many ways a revival of President James Monroe’s 1823 warning to other foreign powers not to meddle in America’s hemisphere — what became known as the…
Top Brass Is On The Run Ahead Of Trump’s Return
The hallways at the Pentagon are filled with a constellation of stars and the legions of staffers who support them. I’ve worked in both the Office of the Secretary of Defense and…
House Republicans Finally Putting The Squeeze On Bloated Pentagon Budget
The American public supports a strong military and is in favor of robust defense spending — but the rumor of a $600 Pentagon hammer still hits home. Taxpayers are furious that the…
Trump Brings Glimmer Of Hope For Peace In Europe
As the war in Ukraine rages onward, President-elect Donald Trump brings a glimmer of hope for peace in Europe this Christmas season. An end to the fighting hinges on three key…
Time To Make The US Navy The Fighting Force It Should Be
America’s mighty Navy is rusting away, hobbled by bureaucracy and woke regulations. From aging ships to soft fitness standards, the once-unbeatable fleet is losing its edge to a…
Playing with Fire in Ukraine
Western leaders keep touting Russia’s high death toll, which estimates now place at 600,000. To military strategists here in the United States, such a human cost is unimaginable.…
How To Get The DEI Out Of DOD
Military service is a calling. Faith, family and sacrifice lie at the core of why most people raise their right hand and pledge their lives to protect and defend the Constitution…
Trump Is Back And Foreign Leaders Are Taking Notice
Less than a week after the landslide election of former President Donald J. Trump, America’s enemies are running for cover. A Hamas spokesman told Newsweek it seeks an immediate…
Trump isn’t letting neocons off the hook
Trump is right: it’s all too easy to send other people to war. The irony of Donald Trump is that he is not just fighting against the radical left. He is in a vicious bar fight…
Calling Trump “Hitler” makes Kamala Harris look desperate
How long have Democrats been calling their Republican rivals “Hitler?” Former President Donald J. Trump was still in diapers on the eve of the 1948 election when President Harry…
Biden Needs To Stop Asking For A Ceasefire And A Two State Solution
But like a Bruce Springsteen song, the Biden-Harris administration continues to repeat itself calling for an Israeli cease-fire. In Dec. 2023, less than six weeks after Hamas’…
Kamala Isn’t Just Stupid, She’s Dangerous
Democrats seem genuinely surprised by the lackluster performance. The New York Times lamented her “verbal acrobatics” and “verbal jujitsu.” CNN took note that the veep was…
Israel’s Iron Fist
The hard truth remains: deterrence only works when your enemies believe you will act. Israel understands this. They know, as Israel’s fourth prime minister, Golda Meir, once said,…
Zelensky Jumps Into The Presidential Race With Support For Democrats
Imagine if during the presidential election of 1940, Winston Churchill came to the United States and criticized the Republican candidate running against President Franklin D.…
Biden Stumbles Towards World War III
What Trump made clear — and ABC blithely ignored — is that the Biden administration is risking a world war over Ukraine. The last time we got this close to the use of nuclear…
Harris-Walz Insult Service Members — Again
It is staggering to consider that the sitting vice president of the United States doesn’t know or care that thousands of American troops remain in a war zone. It is also shameful,…
Trump Vs. The Washington Foreign Policy Blob
Critics of Trump’s foreign policy hate his tough talk. They mock his ALL CAPS proclamations. They rolled their eyes when he warned North Korea it would be “met with fire, fury and…
Kamala Harris Reminded Americans She Plans To Carry On The Biden Legacy
Our founders clearly defined the number one job of the federal government: to “provide for the common defense.” Sadly, there were no questions in CNN’s 20-minute infomercial about…
The Party of War
When I first went to work on the Hill, I was shocked at how rarely anyone asked: “Is this in the best interest of national security?” Or: “How will this benefit the American…
Trump Rallies Prove Average Citizens Remain Engaged — With A Thirst For Truth
America, which spent most of the 20th century fighting the lock-step propaganda of Pravda and the Kremlin’s vozhds, now finds itself on the precipice of electing a woman who…
Tim Walz Has Stolen Valor
What so offends his fellow veterans, despite his 24 years of National Guard service, is that Walz claims to be a warrior but never deployed to war. There’s an expression for that…
JD Vance Is Right: It’s Time To Stop Libs From Brainwashing Our Kids Into Becoming Little Marxists
Flack is always heaviest when you’re over the target: Vance is right. The left is indeed trying to brainwash our children. Worse, the far left wants to take our children.…
Once Again, Biden Doesn’t Have A Strategy For Ukraine. Where’s The Money Going?
When the law to give Ukraine another $61 billion made its way through Congress back in April, lawmakers appropriated the money with strings attached. One big string was section…
Biden Still Has The Nuclear Codes
Our enemies likewise know America’s commander-in-chief is no longer at the wheel if in fact he ever truly helmed our ship of state. Events such as the secretary of defense…
Trump Reveals What A Sane National Security Policy Would Actually Look Like
When I began my career in journalism in the 1990s, I kept Donald Trump’s number handy in case I needed a good quote. The brash New Yorker always had just the right turn of phrase…
Trump in the bull’s-eye: Lowering the political temperature won’t be easy
What is a young, impressionable American to think when told by the leader of the free world that to “save democracy,” we must “stop Trump”? Mr. Biden has repeatedly invoked…
Biden May Help Create A Generation Of New Republicans
The president’s condition didn’t surprise Republicans because we have been sending each other memes for years — Biden lost on stage and falling off a bike; Biden being led away by…
Biden’s Most Shocking Lie
For a commander-in-chief to forget the troops who have given their last full measure of devotion on his watch is unconscionable. In August 2021, trying to fulfill Biden’s foolish…
Europeans Aren’t Concerned About Threat Of Russia Invading Continent After Ukraine
Ukraine has revealed many of NATO’s weakness. These led a professor of war studies at the University of Warwick, Anthony King, to remark that Europe has “systematically…
Biden Needs To Learn From JFK’s Handling Of The Cuban Missile Crisis
Today, few Americans grasp how closely the Biden administration is dancing to outright war with the world’s largest nuclear power. Biden’s national security team continues to…
Lessons from Normandy
Thursday’s 80th anniversary of D-Day likely marked the final major ceremony to be attended by survivors of the Juno, Omaha, Gold, Utah, and Sword beach landings. Precious few…
The Left Have Stuck Their Claws Into The Military — But House GOP Is Fighting Back
House Republicans are fighting to keep the military about breaking things and killing people, what they call a “focus on lethality.” Most of their efforts will likely get stripped…
Joe Biden’s Gaza Pier Washed Away — Along With $320 Million In Taxpayer Dollars
That a temporary pier built in the open ocean broke up in a storm should not shock anyone who has ever looked at the sea or watched the Weather Channel. Sailors since the days of…
Remember the Fallen on Memorial Day
As an officer in the U.S. Navy Reserve, I have buried 173 fellow service members. Some have died young, like Joshua Kaleb Watson, an ensign just out of Annapolis, shot by an…
Biden’s Inflationary Agenda Is Squeezing Out Military Funding
President Biden kicked off the discussion for 2025 by presenting the weakest presidential budget request in living memory. Our commander-in-chief asked Congress for $849.8…
America Is Really Bad At Foreign Interventions. Why Does Biden Think Ukraine Will Be Any Different?
America holds a long list of failed interventions based on bad intelligence: Afghanistan, Libya, Iraq, Panama, Haiti, Serbia, Grenada, Iran, South Vietnam, Congo, Cuba, Guatemala,…
This Boondoggle Shows Why We Must Reform The Pentagon’s Acquisition Process
You might think the largest procurement program at the Department of Defense would also be the best run. Instead, the Lightning II, also called the F-35, remains one of the…
The Ukraine Blame Game Begins
Instead of punishing the Biden administration’s staggering incompetence and fiduciary malfeasance, it seems Congress will reward it, bringing the Ukraine grab bag to $185 billion…
US Navy Personnel Need To Be Refocused On A Warrior Ethos—Starting With The Basics
The past seven years haven’t made the job of being a ship commander in the Western Pacific any easier. Seventh Fleet’s area of responsibility sprawls over 36 maritime countries…
Biden’s Two-State Solution For Israel: Michigan And Nevada
The blind religion of today’s modern American progressive deems strength immoral and whiteness a sin. Likewise industry and wealth are the products of a corrupt patriarchy, and…
Red China is Watching
Today, the Chinese Communist Party spends billions tracking and monitoring their own people with facial recognition, social scores, and a growing web of dystopian devices and…
Trump or Biden: Who War it Better?
In December, the International Atomic Energy Agency issued a report that Iran has obtained enough nuclear material, that if enriched, could make three nuclear weapons in a matter…
The Stench of Ukraine Corruption is Wafting Westward
In early 2014, while American politicians like John McCain were over-promising Ukrainians, “America is with you,” Hunter Biden joined the board of the Ukrainian oil and gas…
The Military Does An About-Face After Woke Garbage Tanks Recruiting
Now, after two years of plummeting recruiting and a true readiness emergency, the Army has not only taken to showing white male warriors, but it’s even asking back soldiers kicked…
Don’t Ask Israel To Pull Its Punches
As published in the Daily Caller: Saturday’s coordinated Hamas assault on Israel was the worst terror attack on a Western power since 9-11. With hundreds of Israelis dead,…
America’s Military Is Finally Getting Some Form Of Congressional Oversight
As published by the Daily Caller: Some cast last week’s confirmation of three top military officers by the U.S. Senate as a loss for Democrats and a win for conservative…
NEWSMAX: Will Biden Stumble into World War III?
If your enemy believes it he at war with you, are you at war? Americans see our involvement in Ukraine as a “proxy war” and most of us are going about life as normal, attending…
Daily Caller: Two Years After Afghanistan—a Personal Story
As published in the Daily Caller: North of Kabul, high in the Hindu Kush mountains, sits Afghanistan’s Panjshir Valley. At 8,000 feet up, Panjshir successfully resisted the…
Daily Caller: Joe Biden Has Wrecked Our Military Like A Cheap Rental Car
When the next president strides into the oval office on January 20, 2025, the new commander-in-chief will get the keys to a wrecked Department of Defense, with cigarette holes in…
Destroying Space Command
Those briefing the president pointed out that Peterson is already home to Northern Command and NORAD. Locating yet another combatant command in the same geographic footprint made…
Daily Caller: This Lawmaker is Exposing a Dirty Little Senate Secret
What Tuberville’s moves threaten to reveal is that senators don’t actually evaluate our nation’s military leaders. Nor do most of their staff. For decades, the Senate has simply…
Washington Times: Culture War Casualty, Military Recruiting
In 2022, something changed and, for the first time, the U.S. Army missed its recruiting goals. Not by a little. The Army came up short by 25%, or 15,000 recruits. That’s an entire…
NEWSMAX: Russia more dangerous than ever
The conflict in Ukraine risks devolving into another American “forever war,” or worse, cornering a weakened thermonuclear power.
NEWSMAX: Expect Sen. Tuberville’s Holds on Military Officers to Continue
Coach needs just one Democrat on the Armed Services committee to swing the vote in his favor. Although staff is signaling Manchin is opposed, take it from this former staffer that…
Southern Journal
I grew to love it, though. City time is like dog years: A year in New York equals 7 in Alabama. So when I moved home last April, I had some reentry problems after spending 42…
4 small numbers 1119
Bigger numbers: 605, truck regulator; 53 to 57 amps. 1119636 will also work. 53-57 amp output. King’s stuff: 601, will vary by temperature 85 degrees–44 to 49, at 205, between…
State 48
We slept in on a beautiful Charleston morning, eventually making our way to the famous Hominy Grill for some grits. Today was the day. The day I finally made it to all 48 states.…
Lady Charleston
On the way to South Carolina’s coastal gem, I pulled off the road at the Carolina Cider Company to take a break. Today’s driving habits, when it comes to pitstops, involve…
Song of the South
Some say General Sherman (that bastard) didn’t torch Savannah because it was “too beautiful to burn.” Others claim Savannah’s lack of resistance and strategic import to the…
Navarre and Destin
My family always spent our summer vacation in a small beachfront community called Navarre. When I was small, there was nothing there but the whitest sand in the world. It’s like…
Gulf Coast Cruising
If you haven’t seen Mississippi’s Gulf Coast since CNN coverage of Katrina, you owe it to yourself to take a trip. Now, I’d suggest attending “Cruising the Coast,” which is one of…
Mississippi Blues
With Mrs. Murphy in the Brougham, things were perking along well. We’d eaten, drunk, and been merry in the Big Easy and I felt confident about the trip ahead. Who wouldn’t be…
A Katrina Car
My friend and broker, David Malone, suggested I swing by a restaurant named Mandina’s for lunch. To be honest, I really wanted to eat at that great New Orleans cliche, Mother’s,…
A Little Dark Magic
Ahh, blissful sleep. Mrs. Murphy and I (finally) had a moment to sleep late and enjoy the sweet summer slumber of a New Orleans morning. With one last cup of cafe au lait, we…
Mrs. Murphy swoops into Town
Astute readers may have noticed that Mrs. Murphy has not made an appearance in the blog since New York. And back there, she wisely only rode in the Brougham for about 30 miles.…
Going Flat
After an hour’s sleep, I awoke to a dim Louisiana sky. The time: 5 o’clock a.m. Time to make the doughnuts. Slipping behind the wheel, I piloted the Cadillac over to the air pump…
Texas to NOLA
Wichita Falls hosted us last night. Now, Wichita Falls does not have a Ritz Carlton. There’s no Four Seasons (tragically). You can’t even find an Omni in town. So look at these…
The Long Haul
Our journey began the next morning at seven a.m. and took us through the verdant hills of Southern Colorado and long stretches of New Mexico. Long, straight, and flat: roads made…
Next Time I’m Taking a Buick
I awoke this morning found my Cadillac amongst a sea of Buicks. I’ve always bee rather partial to Buicks. I got my drivers license in Buick Electra Estate Wagon (with genuine…
The Pacific Northwest
Lake Moses had been a pleasant place to stay for the evening and boasted many retro hotels/motel signs. As we continued east both Kim and I marveled at the stunning landscape.…
WESTWARD HO
This morning I awoke bright and early. I had to leave Sutherlin by 7 a.m. so I would reach the Seattle airport in time to pick up Kim Morgan, my cousin. Checking out, I talked to…
CALIFORNIA DREAMING
California is a big place, especially when you are driving from LA to Seattle. Granted, it’s beautiful–it just stretches on forever. For some reason I thought of San Francisco as…
Hollywood Days
No, I have not wrapped the Brougham around a tree. The drive simply became so intense that I’ve not had a moment to update the blog. My apologies. Felt right at home tooling…
Leaving Las Vegas
This marks my first time to Vegas, so before I left town I drove the big Cadillac up the strip. After all, what could go better in Vegas than the car that Frank Sinatra drove in…
Viva Las Vegas
The phone rang at 8 o’clock. It was the fire marshal–they were threatening to tow the Brougham from its designated parking spot. Evidently the place where “Jimmy,” the hotel’s…
Or Bust
If you followed my Twitter log yesterday, you know that the day started early. I left the tramps at the Hampton Inn and headed to the nearest gas station to top off the tank and…
Oklahoma City
There are a handful of restaurants in the word that I get really, truly excited about. One is Cattlemen’s Restaurant in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Cattlemen’s isn’t fancy. It…
Missouri—All in the family
In South Missouri, we stopped to get gas in Anderson. Many people approach the Brougham at gas stations. A giant, blue, be-finned spacecraft does merit a “howdy,” and everyone…
I just love old Arkansas
The original schedule called for a straight shot to Tulsa, Oklahoma, but the car was running fine, the day had the sort of sparkle one only finds at the beginning of summer, and…
Vegas or bust
It’s about 8:30. I went to bed at 2:15 and awoke to the alarm at 7. Today will be a long day–Las Vegas is 867 miles away. That’s about 13 hours, if the car continues to run…
Big D Mayday
So my mission of the day: fix the car (again). It’s probably either the voltage regulator or (worse) the generator itself. Maybe both. My friend and fellow Brougham driver Ken…
Coming Unplugged
Unbelievably, the Brougham isn’t charging again. My generator light is on and the needle reads “discharging.” No amount of profanity can adequately sum up my frustration. Let’s…
Going to Kansas City
At Kansas City Airport, I bid goodbye to Kim (boy I’ll miss her) and waited to pick up my next riders for the trip, Dr. & Mrs. Charles Bugg–Charlie and Bebe to those who know…
Going Home
People who love old cars also have a good appreciation for history. I’m one of the lucky collector car owners who knows the history of my car. In fact, I bought the car from it’s…
Filling up in Corn Country
Filling up in corn country with a little help from a local. Fortunately, the drive to Kansas City began to clear. We stopped for some premium with ethanol to put in the classic…
The feeling is mutual
Omaha rose off the plains like a shimmering oasis. We stayed at a fantastic Marriott and spent the morning seeing a few sites. The Lewis & Clark landing seemed particularly…
Fargo
Throughout our time in this friendly North Dakota town, Kim and I developed an annoying joke routine of peppering all our conversation with lines from the 1996 Coen brothers…
Twin City Despair
Breakfast at the Best Western revealed a car-enthusiast waitress, who came out with the cook, dishwasher, and general manager to see our stately departure from the parking lot.…
Escape from Cheese Country
I’m lactose intolerant. It’s not that I can’t eat cheese, milk and other diary products, it’s just that I’m ready to get out of Wisconsin. My cousin, Kim Morgan Jemison, has…
Another Parking Lot Repair
At five this morning I bolted out of bed and made for the parking lot. Aside from the 41-degree weather and being stranded in tired Holiday Inn, it was a stunning day in…
Cutting through Cheese Country
My fascination with Chicago and the car’s electrical spasm put me more than a day behind schedule, so air traffic control (Catherine Russell, our office manager) routed the…
The Windy City
Chicago sits just a few hours from Fort Wayne, and the Cadillac ate up the miles like Rosanne Barr at a Chinese buffet. Bucolic farms and barns soon turned to smokestacks and…
Motoring through Motown
Most collectors appreciate history, which is why they have a passion for vintage cars. With that passion usually comes an interest in the car’s provenance, the manufacturing…
Small Business Details
I’m getting a crash course (well, hopefully not an actual crash) in running a small business. Starting Motorpool this year has been the most exciting time of my life–a very…
What was that!?
My wife’s brother and sister-in-law have a huge and gorgeous cabin in Hancock, Massachusetts. Jiminy Peak Resort is less than a mile away, and in winter, it’s one of the best ski…
The Brougham Spa
Want to learn how to fix your car? Take it on a 15,000-mile road trip. I promise–you will know your automobile, every blessed rattle, squeak, and rumble. Better still, visit…
Vroom through Vermont
By now, caught in the fading twilight of a slightly chilly evening, my stomach was in full revolt, rumbling like the Brougham’s exhaust. Though I’d planned on lingering in…
Putting on the Ritz
This is a helluva way to break in a new engine rebuild, but I’m thankful not to have had car trouble since Boston. I have stopped holding my breath while listening to the faint…
A Wrong Turn
No, I wasn’t lost, thankfully. But somewhere around the quaint city of Hopkinton, my stomach took a turn for the worse. Having been a food critic for years, I know food poisoning.…
Rainy Days and Toll Booths
A few friends have asked, “What is it like driving a 1958 Cadillac? Are you uncomfortable?” Good Lord, no. Driving a 1958 Cadillac Eldorado is like getting injected with…
Best Burger in New Hampshire
The Brougham seemed to be behaving after a week of struggles. Suddenly, in Maine, she began to run cooler and even the generator seems to be charging again. Did she heal herself?…
A Hoot of a Car Show
I drove to Rockland, not for its huge contingent of media, but for the “Spring Auto & Antique Aeroplane Show” at the Owls Head Transportation Museum. A friend in the Cadillac and…
Docked in Portland
Good people of Portland: you are punk. I have seen more tattoos in the past 24 hours than in my past 10 years in the U.S. Navy. And some unusual daily drivers: a right-hand drive…
Big Bucks in Boston
How do you start a business? How do you fund a new venture? How do you survive? All questions I’m frequently asked on the road. It’s true that capital is currently hard to come…
Top 10 Hotel Annoyances
As a former travel editor for Southern Living, I have been in more hotel rooms than the Gideon Bible. Check out some of my old stories at www.southernliving.com/travel/ As you…
Pulling into Beantown
I have never been to Boston, and much to the chagrin of Mrs. Murphy (who went to New England Conservatory, www.newenglandconservatory.edu, my first visit to her college town was…
The Ocean State
Floating into Rhode Island proved an easy jaunt from Connecticut, taking back roads all the way. The gas gauge came back to life, but I kept a sharp eye on the odometer just in…
Pulling into Hartford, Connecticut
What a gorgeous capital city. Hartford’s streets are full of sculpture and history. I hot-footed it around the city, delayed somewhat by my fuel gauge mishap. Still, I managed to…
A Southerner in Connecticut
A gorgeous morning made for perfect driving in Motordom’s Masterpiece this morning. Cranking the Brougham is a still a bit of a mystery to me, despite great advice through the…
My Cousin Joe
Actually, Joe is my cousin-in-law by marriage. But let’s not get bogged down in genealogy. Joe is a former racer and has sped along at more than 300 miles per hour in drag racing…
Lloyd Neck, New York
You may be wondering, where the devil is Lloyd Neck, New York and why would I drive a 1958 Cadillac down the world’s longest parking lot (the Long Island Expressway)? My bride…
Batmobile pulls into Gotham
The Brougham ran a little lean driving through Jersey and into New York, which caused it to run a tad warm. But otherwise, she purred into Manhattan. New Yorkers are actually…
Sicker in Sicklerville
Pat picked me up at the Best Western at 9 o’clock and by 11 o’clock we had the new voltage regulator in the car and working fine. All ready to go–except the fuel regulator was…
Sick in Sicklerville
A few other people recommended a carburetor man in Sicklerville, New Jersey, about 30 minutes south of Philadelphia towards Atlantic City. Racing Carburetors isn’t a huge…
Monday in Philly
This morning I got underway at 7 o’clock and the car was grumbly and cranky. She flooded twice and then wouldn’t start as I pulled out into traffic (near the Washington beltway).…
A Sunday Capital Cruise
Sunday in the City With all the figurative storm clouds swirling around Washington, DC, it was almost a shock to see the city so bright and lovely. It’s impossible not to…
Running Hot in Fairfax
Pulling into Fairfax, the Brougham began to overheat. Kelly Estes of Estes Automotive in Birmingham used a laser thermometer to measure my engine heat–the gauge, as it turns out,…
Charleston, West Virginia
The Brougham nearly catches fire. Hobnobbing with Rolls Royces.
Bowling Green, Kentucky
Oozed the Cadillac into this General Motors town at 1 pm. What a great place to be in a collector car–the home of the Corvette and the Cadillac XLR. After a nice segment on WBKO…
Kentucky’s State Line
After having fed the collector car another 9 gallons at mile 412 of my trip, I decided it was time to feed myself. Now, as the former travel editor and food critic of Southern…
Viva Nashvegas
Nashville skyline never ceases to amaze. It matches the fins on the Brougham. The city itself is deceptive. From classics such as the Grand Ole Opry to modern restaurants and…
Alabama State Line
Dashing out of my home state, pedal to the metal, I forgot that the Heart of Dixie has one of the best roadside attractions in the country: a genuine Saturn 5 rocket. The perfect…
Tips on Tipping
The best tip on tipping doesn’t involve money. Your server is not your servant. Look up from the menu when they come to the table. Don’t begin sentences with “Give me the . . .”…
Oh Christmas Tree
Not for amateurs, this business of picking the perfect Christmas tree. A real tree just makes Christmas—pine in the air, sap on the furniture, needles in the carpet, the whole…
Putting on the Squeeze
Sure, there are some rules. (As a former youth counselor advised, keeping the Holy Spirit between hugging and dancing young folk is probably a good idea although there seems to be…
Virginia’s Best Ice Cream
For 65 years, this tiny operation has been producing some of the highest quality milk in Virginia. Three generations of Bergeys continue an enterprise almost unheard of in the…
Bright Lights, Small Parts—no prizes
Where the devil is my Pulitzer? Here I am, slaving away in New York, writing humor columns week after week—where’s the the fame? Where’s the glory? Where’s the money? Where is the…
Celebrities don’t throw their own parties
Parties are expensive. They take time. They take extensive preparation. They take going to Sam’s Wholesale Club and buying those little quiches. But New Yorkers have found a way…
That’s Mr. Murphy to you, bub
“Morgan?” the voice on the other end of the line asked when I answered the phone. I thought it was a friend, or perhaps my dad. “Yes?” I answered. “This is Bill from AT&T. I have…
Space Invader
Sometimes, strolling over kudzu-covered hill and dale,I’m comforted by the thought that when the Souths’ last barbecue smolders and dies, when the last pickup truck sputters to a…
It’s Tree-Trimming Time in the Big Apple
Advice: when trying to hail a t cab with a 14-foot holiday deco-ration, it is best to hide said tree behind a pole of some description, hail a cab, and then mention that you have…
Turkey puts him in a foul mood
I’m betting you’re probably down to the dark meat and giblets by now. I’m betting you’re probably down to the dark meat and giblets by now. Each year around Thanksgiving,…
Stuffed bear served his childhood purpose
I sat bolt upright in the bed as a crash of thunder shook the whole house. White light flooded the room and I could see thirty-five sets of glass eyeballs looking back at me.…
Don’t Mess with the Velcro Folks
As it turns out, velcro was not invented by NASA. It was invented by a French person named George de Mestral who went on a hike in the 1940s and found a giant ball of plastic hook…
Lead Foot Edwina
Edwina routinely drives at a speed equal to her age-which polite grandsons don’t mention in major magazines. Let’s just say it’s over any legal limit here in America. “I know I’m…
The Green Peril croaks in NYC
This summer I ran an experiment to test with the environment up here in New York City does the average person. I figured it would be grim, what with all the cars and smoke, but…
Clone found to be defective
Cloning me was a piece of cake, some Pop-Tarts, and a couple of barbecue sandwiches. I mixed that stuff with a little primordial ooze and scientific fluids that bubble and fizz.…
Ever wondered why Cupid is armed?
The inspiration for Valentine’s Day was a man named Saint Valentine. He was a martyr. The definition of “martyr,” according to Webster is “one who gets whacked for no good…
The world of fashion is a scary place
Perhaps because I am a native of Alabama, I am not an expert on haute couture (French for “expensive clothes.”) But this week I was invited to be a style critic at the men’s…
Grandmama could handle Bill
As your New York City columnist, I had to ask myself some pretty difficult questions this week. Boy, it was a big news week. Let’s see here: the Super Bowl, the pope was in Cuba,…
The lucky lottery winner
This is my last column. Why you ask? Because I have just won $10 million from Publisher’s Clearing House, and if you poor saps think I’m going to sit on my patootey, week after…
The Perfect Shine
As published by Esquire: We ran into this guy from across town not too long ago. Had the shiniest dress shoes we’d ever seen. Like slick patent leather but on salarymen’s…
We have a lot to be thankful for in America
What I want to know is how Khartoumians meet one another without getting arrested? Does the minister say “I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the barrier.”? I have…
Yankees just don’t get Iron Bowl
Football. I’ll bet I just doubled my readership by beginning with that word. If you were born in the Great State, the mighty pigskin is a part of your consciousness. Alabamians…
Babies bring out strange behavior
Last night I witnessed a distinguished group of elderly ladies suddenly disintegrate into babbling, wide-eyed, blithering idiots. “OOOH!” the women said, “oodle, oodle,…
Problem with France is the French
Normally, I devote this column to those things that have made this county great, things that make you proud to be an American, things that Norman Rockwell might have painted had…
Columnist vs. roach battle ensues
When I opened the rusty-white door to the Frigidaire, what seemed like a thousand watts bashed me in the eyeballs in the late night of a South Alabama summer. Arm over my eyes, I…
New Hampshire motto sparks questions
I am about to devote an entire column to something I know is probably on your mind right now. A subject that is pressing on the cerebral cortex of Andalusians everywhere: New…
Southern Jell-O recipes
It’s hard to believe, but one of America’s silliest foods is a billion dollar industry. It’s even harder to believe the various food items that are routinely mixed with Jell-O.…
Yankees planning invasion
But trying to stay fashionable in New York costs roughly the same as a toilet at the Pentagon, so I never even tried. In defiance of every fashion magazine and shop window, I wear…
Alien sightings not confined to the Southwest
The year was 1947. People still took trains back then. My grandfather had just seen his first jet airplane a few years earlier. Werner Von Braun was tinkering around in Huntsville…
Open mouth and insert foot
Never in all my years of professional ogling at various women with my cronies have I ever heard a man say, “Hey look at that babe! What eyes, what hair! She’s gorgeous! Oh, but…
Math is not a Southern Skill
My science/technology/math comprehension ends, I mean stops dead, at the lever and pulley. I know how that stuff works. I can fix a lever and a pulley. You want someone to explain…
Northern psychobabble puzzling
New York is the psychotherapy capitol of the U.S.. Everyone has a psychiatrist, couselor, therapist, or “group.” The entire city seems to be trying to figure out who is normal and…
Escaped cows panic New York
New Yorkers think they know everything. They think they got it good up here. They think they’re smarter than we are. They think they won THE WAR, and if you’re a Southerner, you…
Danish mom pleads ignorance
A Danish mother visiting Manhattan left her baby in a carriage outside a barbecue restaurant while she was eating with her husband on Tuesday evening. Alarmed New Yorkers called…
Anyone can be newsworthy
Back when I was a civilian, and hadn’t done any reporting for the media, I read about other people in the newspaper and thought wow! How did they get to be so special? But now…
New York cabbie draws rave reviews
In Alabama, we leave a lot of stuff in our cars: hats, cheeseburgers, small children, books, movies, cameras, purses, and even the car keys. And that’s just in the front seat. The…
Oscar party in the Big Apple
“Uma, Ophra, and Op, Alabama,” can you tell me how these things go together? “Not very well,” is the answer. Your roving South-Alabama-native-but-living-in-Manhattan columnist…
Pickups in NYC don’t meet Bama standards
After living in New York City for neigh on two years now, I am beginning to miss strange things in The Great State of Alabama. Sure, everybody misses grits, sweat tea, houses with…
Redneck phonetics
Some New Yorkers have the nerve to make fun of the way Alabamians talk. They say it is unintelligible and sounds ignorant. Right. Like “Hey youz guyz, move dat #%@* truck out of…
Delicious Southern fried okra
Fuzz and slime are hard to come by in New York. No, I’m not talking about the NYPD. Oh sure, fuzz and slime may seem like a natural resource what with the subway system,…
Language barrier poses dining, Romance problems
Last week I gave a bit of advice about taking a cast-iron skillet with you whenever you go to the country. Let me exend that rule to French restaurants. They don’t have much to…
Inauguration should be changed to inebriation ceremony
New York City grocers are too powerful
The New York City grocery store business is made up of a vast mafia cartel that controls, among other things, monetary prices in South Korea, the Academy Awards, Pop-Tart…
Christmas tree tempts young handyman
Ever since I was a boy, I’ve loved Christmas trees. Problem is, I usually find a way to accidentally obliterate at least one Christmas tree every season. Christmas trees are…
Christmas in Andy
Twas the night before ChristmasAnd lo it had snowedThough less than an inchcovered the road.“Blizzard!” cried some“Nor’easter” hollered more.Even the mayorCouldn’t get bread at…
An Andalusia Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas And lo it had snowed. Though less than an inch covered the road. “Blizzard!” cried some “Nor’easter” hollered more. Even the mayor couldn’t get…
A Thomasville Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas And lo it had snowed Though less than an inch covered the road. “Blizzard!” cried some “Nor’easter” hollered more. Even the mayor Couldn’t get…
Wedding a good place for laughs
Here comes the bride. Thankfully, I’ve had a moment of respite from weddings. I went to five this summer. I suppose all my friends are of the marrying age here at 24 years old. In…
Christmas shopping budget skimpy
This week, Bill Clinton, a.k.a. the Big Mac President, alias the Commander in Beef, leader of the Feed World and of the last “supersize me” nation, came to New York City and did a…
Where’s my Park Ave. Penthouse?
Every month, I pay about $3 a square foot for a crummy little apartment on the fifth floor of a former tuberculoses hospital on the East side of this island called Manhattan. I’m…
Grandfather Guy celebrates 81st birthday
At some point in a man’s life, the weather becomes more than a subject for light chit-chat. It becomes religion. On any given day, Guy Wiggins can tell me the dew point pressure…
Smutty times call for smutty measures
The world’s second oldest profession is no doubt, politics. However depending on the politician, I’d say public office-seeking often resembles the job description of the world’s…
UFO’S won’t be kept secret in America
Let me tell you why space aliens aren’t being hidden by our government. Look at our politicians. Look at the publicity shaking hands with an alien would generate. Look at the…
Roughing it in New York with the Scouts
I decided to do a little volunteer work this year for the Boy Scouts of America. I was a proud Boy Scout, and I figured Yankee boys couldn’t be that different. I have said it…
Mr. Dillon has taken Bama out of Alabama
There’s no place in New York City to stomp up some peanuts. And that’s a pity. Fact is, New Yorkers don’t know squat about peanuts except that Jimmy Carter grew ’em and JIFF is…
Ups and downs of sailboat repair
My Uncle Mark emailed me a note this week that read: “Morgan, I noticed that you haven’t slandered any of your relatives in your columns recently. What’s happened?” You know,…
America First: Even in the 1990s
The New York Times ran an op-ed in 1996 suggesting America aided developing nations far too little. I wrote the Times arguing that American defense spending is (and continues to…
Columnist heads to new career
Depression is the natural state of all New Yorkers. Being miserable and treating others like dirt is every New Yorker’s God-given right. Thus it should come as no surprise that…
Oops
The sawing lasted 45 minutes. It was accompanied by the sound of my roommate reciting every swear word in Christendom. When it abated, Alex appeared dripping in sweat, out of…
Get yourself a “dawg”
And everybody says that cats are smarter than dogs. Well, I’m not buying that. Perhaps cat owners are smarter than dog owners (they always seem to be women and literary types), I…
I can sympathize with Hunchback
Hunchback is playing in Andalusia. I just saw it. And now that I’m living in New York City, naturally, I’ve become the know-it-all expert on just about everything, including the…
The Perils of Yoga
I want you to sit down and grab your big toes. That’s what I said: your big toes. And while holding your big toes, bring your feet up to the same level as your ears. Yes, both of…
The New York Observer: “Alabama Slammer”
I took umbrage to a snarky article in the New York Observer about Alabama and took pen to paper to complain. I still laugh, re-reading the letter, which the Observer printed on…
New York Cabbies Defy Laws of Physics
The average speed of traffic in Manhattan is three miles an hour according to New York State Highway and Thoroughfare Department. Seems that a bunch of scientists came up with…
Taxes are a yearly, if not daily, event
We’re coming upon a day of the year that I just am not real fond of. April 15th. Uncle Sam’s payday. If there are two things to which I am morally opposed, it’s paying taxes and…
What is a genteel Southern woman doing in New York City
My mama recently came to New York City. Talk about panic. New York City isn’t any place for a genteel Southern lady like my mama to be gallivanting around. No sir. My mother is…
Test devised for local aliens
Thirty-nine cult followers “shed” their “containment units” a few weeks ago to meet up with an alien spacecraft traveling in the shadow of the Hale-Bopp Comet. It should come as…
Ballet sissy? I think not
There are uptown little towns, and then there are not-so-uptown little towns. Fortunately, Andalusia is in the “uptown” category. What makes an “uptown,” you ask? Cultural things…
Rollerblading in New York City
My first day in Central Park on in-line skates was filled with excitement. The threat of permanent brain damage always gets me keyed up. I certainly got closer to New Yorkers.…
Hanging by a String
There are basically three kinds of elevators in New York City: old; new; and scary.
New York Snowstorm unleashes Acid Snowmen
What happens in Alabama when it snows? People go crazy. The weathermen get excited. There’s a mad rush for the grocery store (as if two inches of snow might actually force people…
Boxes Hanging by Strings
So in the mighty Empire State Building, I paid five bucks to ride to the top in an Otis. We stopped prematurely around the 73 floor. And there we sat. Four two hours. Dangling by…
Some suggestions for Olympics
As I have said before, I’m just not real swift at sports. Blasphemy, I know, in Alabama. We are a state of sportsman. Shoot, “Bear” Bryant is a deity. God may have created the…
Skiing
Andalusians have no business going snow skiing. Water skiing is fine–just make sure the lake isn’t frozen. For one thing, to snow ski, it has to be cold. Andalusians aren’t…
Cranberry Accident
I have really tried to be good this year so that the fat man will give me a break for Christmas. I figure that since I’m closer to the North Pole, I might rack up some quality…
Turkey hunt turns into a real adventure
Let’s talk turkey. It’s open season in Central Park this week. Thankfully, I’ve yet to get shot. That’s a good thing. Shooting, bullets, guns, rifles and such have always worried…
Living “Just the luxurious life of a 007 spy”
When I was a little boy. I wanted desperately to be Bond, James Bond. I used to pretend my Radio Flyer wagon was an Austin martin equipped with machine guns, revolving license…
Because of Commies
When I came back to New York City after having been in Andalusia, it took me longer to get into the city than it had for me to get from Atlanta to New Jersey. Why? Because of the…
Golf links are no place for father-son bonding
It was a relief to be back within the warm confines of Andalusia last week. I ate enough barbecue to choke a goat and all I drank was sweet tea and gravy. Praise the Lord, I even…
Southern celebrity-hood often overlooked
By the time you read this I will have left New York City and be on my way to visit fair Andalusia. Hallelujah. Brother, let me tell you, I can’t wait to be back. This week, I’ve…
Some advice on visiting, dining in the ‘Big Apple’
Recently my sister and I went to Tavern On the Green in Central Park here in New York City. If you’ve been to New York City, you probably know Tavern On the Green. The Tavern is…
BB addiction incurable
Exiled here in New Yuck City, as I have said before, there just isn’t any Morgan place to eat barbecue Alabama style. New Yorkers are always doing something to “burn” a barbecue.…
The fun, sheer terror of childhood adventures
People often ask me here in New York City what we do for “fun” in Andalusia. And although I usually answer them with stunningly colorful fabrications about our white-porticoed…
It takes a move to the city to appreciate ‘big hair’
Why Big Hair is all the rage in the Deep South
Trying to figure out the best way to burn extra fat
I do not ever plan to don a thong.
Did you know Andalusia is the center of the known universe?
I think that I must be the only member of the American news media that hasn’t written about O.J. Simpson. So read on, this column is not about Mr. Simpson. This column is about…
Fashion magazine speak’ in New York
For nearly eight months now, I’ve been working in the women’s fashion magazine industry here in New York City. It’s a strange place to be for a fellow from the great state of…
Labor Day celebrations differ in Andalusia, New York
I hope you enjoy this Labor Day weekend, Andalusia. Take it easy. Have some sweet tea. Go to the lake. I’ll be thinking about Guy Wiggins. You see, Guy is my grandfather and, on…
Housing and cooking pose special difficulties in New York City
New York City has one of the worst housing shortages in the known universe. That’s how New Yorkers describe it: a “housing” shortage. Funny, but I’ve yet to see a “house” anywhere…
The difference between the small town, city police
The law. Monday, I had a brush with the law. That’s right, I got pulled over. Being pulled over in New York is an entirely different thing altogether from being pulled over in the…
Ice, barbecue, and sweet tea scarce in New York City
Manhattan dining can be a traumatic experience for a South Alabamian. Not that we can’t hold our own when it comes to ordering off fancy menus. Alabamians have some of the finest…
New York subways do not make for good pick-up lines
Being an Andalusian here in New York City, there are a number of things that I sorely miss. I miss green tomatoes. I miss cornbread. Shoot, I miss my mama. And ranking somewhere…
New York fashion shows attract strange people
“Seventy-eight days ago I moved to the Big Rotten Apple, a.k.a., New York City. I work at Harper’s BAZAAR. You may wonder how a guy with roots in Andalusia, Alabama wound up at…
Transplanted Andalusian describes life in New York City
This is my first column for The Star News. And I am glad to have it. There is something important I need to tell Andalusians everywhere. Y’all got it good in Andalusia. How is it…
Saatchi & Saatchi Worldwide Radio Copy
In 1995, I tried my hand at advertising as my father, Mike Murphy, the original Mad Man, had done for years. These were my first (and only) attempts at radio copy. At that time,…
Hilltop News Psychic Friends Hotline
Slip-Sliding in a Winter Blunderland
My first major byline appeared 11 January 1994. To my surprise, the story made the front page of the Post. I’d just started a few days before as an intern—the same week Rudy…
HTN LATE NEWS-BREAKING STORY:GOODWIN RESIDENCE HALL FLOODS, WOMEN EVACUATE
Trailer Park Gossip
The Hilltop News
A Letter from the Editor
Southern Accents, 1971
Great American Road Trip — Chapter One
CHAPTER ONE “THE GREAT AMERICAN ROAD TRIP” The lure of a road trip beckons hardest in Spring. Flower blooms and crisp air, sunny days and shimmering tarmac, it all begs for a…
Great American Road Trip — Chapter Two: The Car
CHAPTER TWO “NOT JUST A CAR, ITS A CADILLAC” I grew up in Birmingham, Alabama. In the 1970s and 80’s, Birmingham was a Buick town. The president of the bank drove a Buick. The…